working order wings
point them home little daughter
counting feather drops
All my talk of huddling by an open fire at night doesn’t give you the scoop that the days are warm and blue skied. Warm enough anyway.
I drove down to the park yesterday, hoping to get a coffee but also the obligatory beach house garbage run. It was summer like in swarms of day trippers! Took me by surprise but yeah, standing room only this suburb.
The coffee queue was ridiculous. I realised I could do without. Remember not so long ago when going out for a coffee wasn’t even a thing? And now everyone Needs one, so much so they’d queue the sunny day away to get a grip on that paper cup of frothy goodness. Hmm, wish I had one right now!
There’s a spot near the children’s playground, the one with the boat shaped climbing frame, where cockatoos convene. And there they were. It’s almost like they were trading photographs for food – it was working for them. Like some organised tourist attraction.
It must have been longboarders meeting day and damn I missed it. Saw a bunch of old surfers standing around, wetsuits half down. And when I say old I mean perfect vintage ;-) Very nice scenery. Talking waves. Heading home.
Note to self – got to get up earlier…
Last night I slept on the couch. It’s warmer in here by the fire, and last time I was here I found it sooo comfortable. I woke up with a sore back/neck this time but I think, after the car accident last week, the support wasn’t right. I’m doing it again though – just opening the door, padding up the corridor to the bathroom, icicles form on any exposed bits. It’s just too cold to leave this room, sorry house owner who hates anyone sleeping on the couch!!
Waking up in this room wins awards :-) I haven’t seen many sunrises in my life and my eyes opened just after it today but the light was exquisite. Then, a bush turkey tiptoeing across the roof. Took me a few minutes to identify the footsteps in my half sleep haze…but oh they make me laugh. Sounds like someone trying to walk in heels – but they’re never going to get the hang of it!
Loud whoosh overhead and a small village of cockatoos landed on the wires beyond the garden. Their arrival was celebrated by a welcome laugh chorus of more kookaburras than I could work out.
The best thing about it all was knowing I have another three, or four, wakeups like that to go.
I think it’s about six weeks since I was last at the beach. It seems I haven’t written much in that time, or actually since mother died at all…
The beach is my happy place. I’m sure if I went back through the blog I’d find most of my writing is done here. Perhaps it’s the quiet. The total lack of needing to do anything. More thinking time.
That can’t be right. I can’t switch off the think. Maybe it’s a different breed of thinking up here, away from the domestics and real life.
I stood in front of the fire tonight and thought about someone I knew way back when, who’s first born was badly burnt in a fire. He’s over thirty now and has lived a perfectly fine life with fewer fingers than he started life with but I wondered if she has ever reconciled what happened. Did she blame her husband? Does she use an open fire to warm the winter house?
My headspace moved from that story to the fact that I am far from the only mother in pain. Everyone has their own story and surely no one can raise children without experiencing every emotion there is. So much joy. So much despair. I believe we’re made of tougher stuff than we imagine when tested. We’ve got this.
The changes to me, and growth through it all, have been quite fascinating and yes, impressive! I like me and I’m proud of how I’ve done.
I hope there is plenty more to come. I hope my son will prodigal back to us. And I hope some of my offspring will have their own. I think it’d be pretty cool to welcome another generation.
Later this year I’ll go to a writers’ festival up north. Back to hippy beach. With siblings. What.was.I.thinking? I mentored a new volunteer this week who told me ‘I’m not speaking to any of my family’. We’re too old for that. Talk to them I said, family is important. I think of my son of course, not my own siblings. Easy to dish the advice, harder to remain zen in their lap….
Without great expectations, I have joined an online dating site tonight…I don’t think it will end the ice cream binges of self pity as per last night but….let the games begin ;-)
I was just up at the beach for a couple of days. Clearing my belongings from the house, packing my dreams back into the car, I’d been there a couple of minutes… And while I’m driving the bush track ‘home’ I feel like I haven’t been on that road in a couple of months.
Time is a strange elusive creature. Hard to pin down. Messes with your mind.
It ducked and weaved 72 hours of my life while I ate lunch at 3pm; slept (on the couch) at 3am, read on the deck, photographed that same open mouth view, and watched day time tv. No shortage of firewood this time and snuggly warm. I did a little work.
Locals I met with today talked of the big wind – did I sleep through that? Or is that why I was awake til 3 one night…after the Really big wind two weeks back perhaps I just wasn’t impressed by it’s effort. In any case I couldn’t add to the conversation.
Last night – in another time and place – someone was visited by two real estate agents, signed a contract and SOLD the marital home. Yes, that was me. All part of the fabric of my life.
The change begins friends….stay tuned.
This is going to sound strange. I was going to say even to me but maybe that should read especially to me!
Here it is though… If I’m home alone during the day I put the tv on. Yes, I’ve been watching day time tv. And, there’s nothing on so I found myself on the religious channel.
I’m definitely NOT a Christian – you all know that by now right? I’m finding it uplifting just the same! I guess I’m approaching it, removing the god word, like motivational speakers. Like Hay House type sessions. #joelosteenrocks #justsaying and #youknowit !
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