october – two faces


October flings open the french doors, urges everyone outside
summer won’t let spring hold it back
sunbeds out of hiding, binoculars ready
it’s blue to New Zealand….with intermittent whales

this October for me is just the month after the resignation
long nights of fractured sleep
tight tight shoulders, intense pain
muscle pain, nerve pain, pain in my feeling heart
tears too close to the surface spill unexpectedly

and then the deck
fill my lungs October air, let the sun release the knots
pick up the binoculars…

In response to October poetry challenge – what does October look like to you? Why not enter? Or, go read the others🙂

how deep is the sea

At the beach house at night there is only black on the other side of the glass wall. During the day a range of blues – sea to sky. Constantly changing sea, flat and calm, wild, frothy, green, grey…mostly blue.

Right now I don’t even know it’s out there. How far down is the bottom? What rages and threatens beneath the surface? How ordered is the marine world? Is there a war going on down there, do they all coexist as well as they can (apart from the edibles), or is it all quite haphazard and chance as to which ones survive…what happens when all the lights go out? I guess it’s mirrored on land.

Just as the same view is different every time I turn around my beach mood cannot be predicted. Mostly I love nothing more than being here alone. Tonight I’m wondering why I’m here, wondering if I’ll always be alone, wondering why I’ve resigned…is there anything I’m not second guessing?!

Today was a bad day in the office and my head has been swirling ever since. Two months and counting. I need some distance. A good sleep and a sunny morning will change my world.




Today I resigned my job. Huge leap!

On the one hand it’s the best job I ever had, most important stuff.

On the other there has been so much wrong there for so long and it really took courage to pull the plug. I’ve tried to leave several times and been emotionally blackmailed into staying. This time it sticks. I circumvented the one above me to resign to the Board. Feathers will fly when I’m next in the office, someone is very wounded and angry but this was my exit route and I’m off and running.

Not sure what’s next. Am I transitioning to a new job, or am I retiring. I guess we’ll find out early next year😉

I’m anxious but once the accusations have been thrown, and the end weeks worked off, I’ll be lighter…exciting! I had two goals for this year and that’s one done.

no hub here

I can’t even say that, when the matriach died, the family ripped apart at the seams. It was more like a disintegration. Like a pie thrown against a wall sliding down slowly. Big fat mess that no one took responsibility for cleaning up. Just left the room and kept walking.

The siblings are just so different – conversations might as well be in four languages.

Soon after my mother died, a friend of my sister’s came to visit me. She was worried that we wouldn’t have a focus. ‘You need a hub’ – I believe she was projecting as she tangent-ed off to talk about her own siblings, their mother still alive but leaving this mortal coil as fast as she could.  By the time W left she was smiling and seemed totally at ease. ‘You’re the new hub’. We clearly don’t know each other well, it was a  duty visit, and so she had no idea during her middle of the night worries about this family, not her own, that I could possibly have the capacity to hub it. She left relieved.

Thanks W but I ain’t no hub, no intention of glueing that lot together.

pigeon man

I went out with a lovely guy today dear readers, but he is not for me.

Even before we met, my daughter said ‘he’s your pigeon man mum’…you know, sex in the city reference.

He was late. And while I waited I counted six people I knew at the coffee shop. I was feeling uncomfortable at the sight of the first few but by the time I saw my cousin drive past I just burst out laughing. Would anyone else like to join me on my first first date in a long while?!

Cappuccino and latte later I’d had a great conversation with a gorgeous man and that’s enough to be happy with for today. First dates – not for the faint hearted😉

tree change or sea change?!?


Looks like a painting doesn’t it? Australian colonial bush…

That’s the view I woke up to last weekend. We spent three days two hours up the road, in the vineyards, and woke to that view and the sounds of birds I didn’t recognise. Those bird calls must have woken me as a child but I don’t remember…perhaps I had no interest then.

The cottage is in a little valley of peace. I walked, breathed slowly, and just was. Time moved very slowly. The hill out front, beyond the vines, close enough that you could make out specific trees. So many varieties. Kangaroos and wallabies in the paddock behind – statues, so nearly camouflagued as the tree stumps and rocks they posed beside.

At night we cooked outside, sang, danced, and gazed at the stars.

We took long drives during the day, on windy dirt tracks, past farms we can’t afford.  A strange encounter with a Hare Krisna devotee. Yes, in the middle of nowhere he stood in the middle of one of those dirt roads and flagged us down. We were invited to a lunch celebrating Krisna’s wife Radha’s birthday. Thanks but we had vineyards to visit, books to read (no internet/phone reception!), country air to breathe without conversation…

I think I want to live there. At least part time.

confusion / change

I came back from the beach last month serene and resolved. I knew what I wanted to do.

It didn’t last.

Confusion was only playing hide and seek, and laughing at the game. Now it’s back full strength and no amount of pondering shifts it. Should I leave my job? Should I apply for others, or retire? Would I even get another at my age? And by retire do I mean move into full time grandmother/childcare mode.

I keep waiting to just Know the answer.

At the beach I woke up to, if I’m even thinking about it there is my answer! And so I applied for a new job. Not having been called for interview probably helped confusion to escape it’s hiding spot.

Is this inner conversation palpable? The boss has requested time next week to ‘discuss my future’ – will at least part of the decision be made for me?

Once I overheard ‘you’ll find forced change can be a good thing’…