death pains

A childhood friend let me know, early this week, that her father had just died. It wasn’t unexpected and yet, for her, the surge of accompanying grief was.

She’s 58. I remember when my darling daddy left this earth a neighbour attempting to comfort me with ‘there is no good age to lose a parent’. I was 22. True that wasn’t a good age, but I feel sure 58 isn’t either.

My friend planned a couple of quiet days to herself before tackling the long drive home at the end of the week. It’s at least 7 hours. I could imagine myself taking off as soon as I heard the news. I always try to outrun anxiety.

Driving in panic, heartbeat as fast as the car can go. Not helping anyone.

You know the fight or flight when you basically run round in circles doing the headless chook?

Stop. breathe. respond don’t react.

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the painter

I like the painter. At first I said it was not in a teenage way, I could take it (his presence) or leave it, but I did like him. Then, each day I liked him more so that when it came time for him to leave I wanted him to stay.

There was never an electric spark but we didn’t actually touch. Perhaps, a brush of the hand and… I did grin foolishly, and look away, at his gaze.

I have no idea how old he is. He’s older than me. He’s very tall. And thin.

He’s so calm, slow, deliberate… Peaceful.

When he smiled at me I wasn’t sure if he was laughing at me.

I made a fool of myself over and over and over. I babbled. I was anxious. When the spare room was finished, and he was leaving for the final time, I gave him the thumbs up. I GAVE HIM THE THUMBS UP! Who does that? W.T.F.

One day my sister dropped in and was flirting with him in seconds. They go to the same cafe and recognised each other. She does small talk much more easily than me. And her voice is all cheerful, sing song. Next day he told me he’d already said ‘good morning’ to my sister. They’ll be sitting at the same table by now, caffeinating together.

By next week he’ll be her boyfriend.

 

taking control

 

The doctor had me fill out some government approved survey about thoughts and feelings over the last week. I answered honestly and then she ‘scored’ me…’Your anxiety is actually normal level’.

ha ha ha x 2

‘No, it’s not normal, not normal!!’

I did get a referral for some counselling sessions. Came home and slept away a mega headache all afternoon. A little temple massaging, tiger balm on the shoulders, zzz’s and away it went.

Tomorrow I’ll buy more flowers 🙂

 

(title with thanks to Chatterblog)

 

in dreams…

 

I was dreaming about Ali as I woke up this morning. Was I thinking about her as I drifted off last night? I can’t remember.

I was replaying one of the times we shared at the beach. It was after the doctor’s appointment when she’d been told the possible progressions of the disease that was swirling inside her, and that there was no way out. We all knew that was coming and she’d taken the confirmation seemingly calm…

When we arrived at the beach house Al went to rest on the big bed, in the room that looks out to sea. She soon joined me in the main room complaining of pain in one leg – worried this was THE next thing, that it was bone cancer already. What words did I use? I can’t recall but I did talk the fear away. She was always stiff upper lip and what sticks in my mind now is that I didn’t hug her! So many times I could use a hug and I can’t help remembering that I didn’t give Ali a hug at a time that I’d definitely have wanted one.

Not long ago I bought one of those v shaped pillows so that I can feel hugged in bed. I woke up this morning curled in the pillow, hugging Al in dreams…

 

(side note – it wasn’t bone cancer, there was no time for the cancer to move to her bones or brain before it did it’s worst)

damn you health anxiety – mind beast

 

It’s back. With a vengeance.

I read, and look around at what others are going through and I KNOW it’s ridiculous and yet I’m anxious as hell. I WANT to live without it. I DON’T want to write about it but I guess I am because I want to hear that someone understands, someone has been through exactly this.

I’m losing weight. (That’s a good thing)
My blood pressure is going down. (That’s a good thing)
I begin to feel faint a bit each day. (That feeling makes me anxious)
I go to the doctor to check bp. (I have serious white coat syndrome AND a phobia of having my bp taken, even hearing or seeing the words ‘blood pressure’ makes me very uncomfortable)
Due to the above issues my bp is up at the doctors so she has to rely on what I’m telling her….and
Rather than decrease my meds straight up she suggests splitting the dose.
I take 2/3 of it this morning, feel mostly fine all day then I’m supposed to take the other 1/3 in the evening, or bedtime. Around 6pm I feel like it’s high and take the tablet.

When I say I felt mostly fine all day I actually felt yucky but I THINK bp was ok. Warm face, tight shoulders…and too much thinking about it all.

The little one had a colonoscopy today – she’s out of remission but the news was better than expected. Initially it was feared that her main med was no longer working but the GI is happy that that’s not the case. Added a bit to her regime…and carry on.

There’s always other things going on with loved ones and so yes there is stress. I just want to feel physically and mentally better. AND hey who knew but writing this out has actually helped. Let’s look at the facts again – I’m losing weight and my bp is going down. POSITIVE. POSITIVE!

The big cat sleeps right up next to me and purrs. Best snuggler ever and that’s great. I’d really love a hug though and a whisper in my ear ‘everything’s fine’… (too much to ask from the big cat ha ha ha)

oh hey, if you’re in Sydney and you’re not too anxious to go out 😉 check this festival