taking control

 

The doctor had me fill out some government approved survey about thoughts and feelings over the last week. I answered honestly and then she ‘scored’ me…’Your anxiety is actually normal level’.

ha ha ha x 2

‘No, it’s not normal, not normal!!’

I did get a referral for some counselling sessions. Came home and slept away a mega headache all afternoon. A little temple massaging, tiger balm on the shoulders, zzz’s and away it went.

Tomorrow I’ll buy more flowers 🙂

 

(title with thanks to Chatterblog)

 

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in dreams…

 

I was dreaming about Ali as I woke up this morning. Was I thinking about her as I drifted off last night? I can’t remember.

I was replaying one of the times we shared at the beach. It was after the doctor’s appointment when she’d been told the possible progressions of the disease that was swirling inside her, and that there was no way out. We all knew that was coming and she’d taken the confirmation seemingly calm…

When we arrived at the beach house Al went to rest on the big bed, in the room that looks out to sea. She soon joined me in the main room complaining of pain in one leg – worried this was THE next thing, that it was bone cancer already. What words did I use? I can’t recall but I did talk the fear away. She was always stiff upper lip and what sticks in my mind now is that I didn’t hug her! So many times I could use a hug and I can’t help remembering that I didn’t give Ali a hug at a time that I’d definitely have wanted one.

Not long ago I bought one of those v shaped pillows so that I can feel hugged in bed. I woke up this morning curled in the pillow, hugging Al in dreams…

 

(side note – it wasn’t bone cancer, there was no time for the cancer to move to her bones or brain before it did it’s worst)

damn you health anxiety – mind beast

 

It’s back. With a vengeance.

I read, and look around at what others are going through and I KNOW it’s ridiculous and yet I’m anxious as hell. I WANT to live without it. I DON’T want to write about it but I guess I am because I want to hear that someone understands, someone has been through exactly this.

I’m losing weight. (That’s a good thing)
My blood pressure is going down. (That’s a good thing)
I begin to feel faint a bit each day. (That feeling makes me anxious)
I go to the doctor to check bp. (I have serious white coat syndrome AND a phobia of having my bp taken, even hearing or seeing the words ‘blood pressure’ makes me very uncomfortable)
Due to the above issues my bp is up at the doctors so she has to rely on what I’m telling her….and
Rather than decrease my meds straight up she suggests splitting the dose.
I take 2/3 of it this morning, feel mostly fine all day then I’m supposed to take the other 1/3 in the evening, or bedtime. Around 6pm I feel like it’s high and take the tablet.

When I say I felt mostly fine all day I actually felt yucky but I THINK bp was ok. Warm face, tight shoulders…and too much thinking about it all.

The little one had a colonoscopy today – she’s out of remission but the news was better than expected. Initially it was feared that her main med was no longer working but the GI is happy that that’s not the case. Added a bit to her regime…and carry on.

There’s always other things going on with loved ones and so yes there is stress. I just want to feel physically and mentally better. AND hey who knew but writing this out has actually helped. Let’s look at the facts again – I’m losing weight and my bp is going down. POSITIVE. POSITIVE!

The big cat sleeps right up next to me and purrs. Best snuggler ever and that’s great. I’d really love a hug though and a whisper in my ear ‘everything’s fine’… (too much to ask from the big cat ha ha ha)

oh hey, if you’re in Sydney and you’re not too anxious to go out 😉 check this festival

 

give hope to refugees – world refugee day 2017

 

I was waiting for a take away cappuccino. The cafe is on the water, the view is ridiculous. I had a little lemon polenta cake in an environmentally friendly cardboard box in one hand and my iPhone in the other.

I could tell the man next to me wanted to talk. ‘A homeless person could run in here, grab two of those meals (off the pass) and have a bloody good feed’. We’re a long way from any homeless people here…

‘I was in the city the other day, there’s so many homeless and we should be helping our own, stop this refugee nonsense with all the terrorism going on’ (um…we’ve been fairly insulated from terrorist acts so far, down under. and yes it’s the day after world refugee day – way to give hope to refugees!)

me: ‘How do you tell genuine refugees from terrorists? They need our help just as much as our own homeless.’

‘No, we just need to stop letting anyone in.’

me: (nice!) ‘Well…have you seen the images of what they’re escaping in Syria for example? We’re so lucky here, we have to help!’

coffee ready, conversation over, photograph view on way out…

still swirling in my head – you saw so many homeless, we should help our own first, and so what are you doing to help? did you speak to any, did you give them a bottle of water, a piece of fruit, did you ask if they have family somewhere, or a place in a shelter to sleep in that night?

a group of women meet at my house regularly and for 3 years now we’ve been knitting scarves and beanies which we pass on to local homelessness support organisations, and shelters…when I’m tucked up in bed on these cold winter nights I hope we’ve helped just a little xx

memories waiting

 

Do you remember where you were when you heard JFK was shot? A line on a tv show that’s rhubarbing in the background…but a line I’ve often heard in social settings.

Before my time but instantly I remember where I was when I heard Robin Williams was dead. I was in a Starbucks on Newbury Street. The little one was in line and I was using the wifi and checking facebook while I sat near the window. When something big happens you can’t avoid it on fb. Not something I wanted to know, let alone sitting there, a world away from my comfort zone.

The little one’s new apartment was literally across the road. What I don’t remember is whether we already knew that – were we there to look at it, to meet one of the guys? Or were we just randomly on Newbury Street and she wanted something with caffeine… She was in that Starbucks so many times over the two years that she doesn’t remember that particular visit anyway. It was my first and only time but I wonder if I’d remember if not for the image of my screen and my disbelief.

Who knew I’d ever go to Boston. And then in two years I went twice. There are bits of Boston that I know now! I doubt I’ll ever get back there but I have to remember, when darkness is sliding down the sky and blanketing me, that I didn’t ever have the faintest clue I’d see Boston in this lifetime…so who knows what’s next. It’s not over yet.

I wish we were having coffee…

 

unnamed(this coffee from an earlier, healthy time)

If we were having coffee, and I wish we were, I would tell you that I’m still getting over pneumonia. Maybe you know what that’s like?

Being ill reminded me of how well I’ve been for a long time! Even though I feel achey and old I have been really well compared to this.

I would tell you what wonderful nurses both of the cats have been, little hot water bottles on my feet as I blend in to the couch. They’re missing the big kids too and are unsure of this new world order.

If we were having coffee today I would share with you how much I have to get done before she who rules the world arrives and casts disdainful eyes over the abode, wipes fingers along surfaces and tuts. I don’t have the strength to get started. Mother would have said it’s psychological – I often get sick before the great sibling’s arrival.

I have a light week and I hope I can get back to normal activities.

What would you tell me? What’s going on with you, what are your stories?

(inspired by Write On)