I was just up at the beach for a couple of days. Clearing my belongings from the house, packing my dreams back into the car, I’d been there a couple of minutes… And while I’m driving the bush track ‘home’ I feel like I haven’t been on that road in a couple of months.
Time is a strange elusive creature. Hard to pin down. Messes with your mind.
It ducked and weaved 72 hours of my life while I ate lunch at 3pm; slept (on the couch) at 3am, read on the deck, photographed that same open mouth view, and watched day time tv. No shortage of firewood this time and snuggly warm. I did a little work.
Locals I met with today talked of the big wind – did I sleep through that? Or is that why I was awake til 3 one night…after the Really big wind two weeks back perhaps I just wasn’t impressed by it’s effort. In any case I couldn’t add to the conversation.
Last night – in another time and place – someone was visited by two real estate agents, signed a contract and SOLD the marital home. Yes, that was me. All part of the fabric of my life.
The change begins friends….stay tuned.
This is going to sound strange. I was going to say even to me but maybe that should read especially to me!
Here it is though… If I’m home alone during the day I put the tv on. Yes, I’ve been watching day time tv. And, there’s nothing on so I found myself on the religious channel.
I’m definitely NOT a Christian – you all know that by now right? I’m finding it uplifting just the same! I guess I’m approaching it, removing the god word, like motivational speakers. Like Hay House type sessions. #joelosteenrocks #justsaying and #youknowit !
I wonder what she’s doing now but then, I catch myself – she’s not! How can someone just cease to exist? I do miss my mother. For several years, if I’m honest, I resented the dictation of my life. Death didn’t bring instant happiness. Nothing much is different. Except a hovering sadness which lifts in spurts – in time it will push back, drift off, fade out. It can’t have all been for nothing. I predict major change, I just don’t know when yet.
Sometimes it’s easier to just pretend she’s next door doing what she always did. I even hear the noise of her stick against the floorboards, signal that she was on the move. But of course I don’t! Does that mean, that when she was sitting in her blue and white armchair, and tapped wood on wood, that she wasn’t actually getting up at all? I was hearing things. OR. Does the house creak now in sympathy, with the bones of pain moved on?
When I was young and fed the christian story, I always wondered about this notion of heaven. Supposedly you’d be reunited with loved ones, with everyone you knew. Does everyone remain the age they died? Is she now older than her own mother, is she a small child with her parents, a young bride with my father…and what about the two babies that started to grow inside me but didn’t breathe in this lifetime, does she get to grandmother them? How is that concept reconciled…
I believe that we are all connected. Generations past live through me. I hope, somewhere down the line someone will sit on a couch and consider – I have impacted their time on this coil.
I do miss you mother.
now I lay me down
insomnia comes to call
who invited you
turn your thoughts around
recognise your gratitude
somethings got to give
Just me and the big cat on the bed. Still still night. Still humid. I think I’m a serial distractor. Three slightly read books to my right but my eyes on the screen day long, and my ears full of the 70’s. Keeps my head too cloudy to dissect the issues, too bogged to make an action plan. And so the next day will be like the last.
round and round we go
three times round the mulberry bush
stupa in nature
recite the mantra
a piece of string length prayer
bee gees lullaby
Daryl is singing to me while I write to you. The kids are always joking he’s my next husband but we all know that’s not going to happen. I mean we’d have to meet first, right!?!
How the heck did I get here? In one minute it’s 55 years since I was born. There it goes. The clock ticked! Only a couple of years ago I found out the time of my birth so it was actually really cool to watch it on the screen just now.
The tests were all clear but I guess you knew that would be the outcome. It’s the waiting, the anticipation that’s the worst. Note to self – in future when you ring for an appointment take the first one, don’t give yourself weeks to wimp it up!
I keep dodging bullets! No excuses, the big girl says ‘you’re so much healthier than you think you are’…yeah.
Just one more tune. Wait, Billy Thorpe is third ahead – he can sing to me then I’ll go upstairs. We’ll see what 55 looks like in the morning ;-)
(throw your hands up in the air if you know who daryl; and billy thorpe are. geography will out you methinks)
There are two families across the road with young children, daughters, of similar ages. The last two weekends have been full of play and laughter, loud happy voices. Sounds that should bring heart gladness and yet, are actually annoying. Perhaps just sound on Sunday morning gets me that way.
So there’s that.
Then there’s the cigarette smoke I go to sleep with. Late, late at night it’s like someone is sitting on the end of my bed smoking one after another. Our houses are all joined, row houses, but still… I can only guess that one of the kids next door is on their balcony, or their roof deck. Is the smell coming down the chimney?
I have times I’m so blissed out none of this worries me. I wouldn’t even notice it. When I’m raw and fragile the laughter pin pricks my skin, the nicotine clogs my airways. What to do about external things that become a part of your story unbidden?
We had lunch at the pub today. Fake lunch – three bites do not a meal make, delicious though they be. Two generations to celebrate the young one’s birthday. And rooms full of about to go to the football-ers. Sweaty, sardine standing room only, lose your voice bar. Staff bringing food slowly, breaking glasses, deer in the headlight eyes… The pub wasn’t coping – it’s seams burst.
And then they went off to see their team win. I watched from the couch.
A good end to a crazy week of work and/or a distracting beginning to the ‘procedure week’ – the looming of it hanging heavier the closer it gets. Countdown to over though!
A little day procedure coming up. You can’t leave on your own. Who do you ask to pick you up?
I like to keep these things very private but even so – I’m single, I find myself good enough friend-less, I don’t wish to share this with siblings, and the only offspring that is close geographically, is a) busy and b) I really don’t wish to share this anyway.
So where does that leave me?
I’ll just get a taxi. I guess once it’s said and done the desk staff can’t stop me?!
What about getting there though? I hope I have the strength to get there by taxi…
Have you been in this position?