one year ago, hawaii




The thing is, if you’re a surfer, how do you come in to the shore? The next wave might be amazing, might be the best ever. One more, one more, one more. The sea has a hold on you.

Waimea Bay dreams…


you’ve done something like this, right?

today was not a good day

I’ve had a headache all day and it’s Not high blood pressure it’s a tension headache. rubber band around the forehead, shoulder and neck muscles little hard ball bearings of red hot pain.

I haven’t cooked in ages and then tonight I put some soup on, turned it to low and left the kitchen. when I came back in I THINK the flame was out and so I quickly turned the knob. but I turned it the wrong way (so earlier when I ‘turned it low’, did I actually turn it off?). and so then I couldn’t be sure if gas had been escaping for a while, or just then when I turned it?!?!?!

so I opened all doors, turned on the stovetop exhaust….and about half an hour later finished the soup in the microwave, still not confident of lighting a match.

the soup was shite, the headache remains and I have no clue what happened. that worries me more than anything – dementia onset?

beach shack


I’m just going to whisper this so that it doesn’t all evaporate upwards, in a spiral of dust.

It seems I’m going to get what I want!

The little one used her word skills this morning – you’ve put the intention out there for a long time, you like the bush and water, a small or semi-rural community…

The kids and I have bought a beach shack a few hours up the coast!

I know that I am blessed beyond…in a few days I’ll be there. Looking forward to finding my writing spot, exploring the little town, and reclaiming calm. Hoping it travelled ahead and is waiting for me there.






death pains

A childhood friend let me know, early this week, that her father had just died. It wasn’t unexpected and yet, for her, the surge of accompanying grief was.

She’s 58. I remember when my darling daddy left this earth a neighbour attempting to comfort me with ‘there is no good age to lose a parent’. I was 22. True that wasn’t a good age, but I feel sure 58 isn’t either.

My friend planned a couple of quiet days to herself before tackling the long drive home at the end of the week. It’s at least 7 hours. I could imagine myself taking off as soon as I heard the news. I always try to outrun anxiety.

Driving in panic, heartbeat as fast as the car can go. Not helping anyone.

You know the fight or flight when you basically run round in circles doing the headless chook?

Stop. breathe. respond don’t react.


the little cat


don’t you love that moment when, after countless figure of eights, the cat settles down next to you and – leans in



the painter

I like the painter. At first I said it was not in a teenage way, I could take it (his presence) or leave it, but I did like him. Then, each day I liked him more so that when it came time for him to leave I wanted him to stay.

There was never an electric spark but we didn’t actually touch. Perhaps, a brush of the hand and… I did grin foolishly, and look away, at his gaze.

I have no idea how old he is. He’s older than me. He’s very tall. And thin.

He’s so calm, slow, deliberate… Peaceful.

When he smiled at me I wasn’t sure if he was laughing at me.

I made a fool of myself over and over and over. I babbled. I was anxious. When the spare room was finished, and he was leaving for the final time, I gave him the thumbs up. I GAVE HIM THE THUMBS UP! Who does that? W.T.F.

One day my sister dropped in and was flirting with him in seconds. They go to the same cafe and recognised each other. She does small talk much more easily than me. And her voice is all cheerful, sing song. Next day he told me he’d already said ‘good morning’ to my sister. They’ll be sitting at the same table by now, caffeinating together.

By next week he’ll be her boyfriend.



taking control


The doctor had me fill out some government approved survey about thoughts and feelings over the last week. I answered honestly and then she ‘scored’ me…’Your anxiety is actually normal level’.

ha ha ha x 2

‘No, it’s not normal, not normal!!’

I did get a referral for some counselling sessions. Came home and slept away a mega headache all afternoon. A little temple massaging, tiger balm on the shoulders, zzz’s and away it went.

Tomorrow I’ll buy more flowers 🙂


(title with thanks to Chatterblog)