They’ve given her valium on top of the morphine to make her sleep at night.
I can’t sleep tonight.
My mind is very busy, wide awake. I’m thinking about Al and her kids up at the beach house in the next couple of days. Some quality time together with that amazing view. I hope it’s not too cold and that they make happy memories. She’s going into hospice when they get back. I said I’d rather die at home but she’s anxious, and her kids are too young to carry the burden – her decision. It’s a good end if we can do it our own way. Absolutely respect that.
I know the teaching of the Buddha – not to waste our precious human rebirth. I have been smacked in the face with it now and what I take from this situation, as a way of honouring her, is that I must immediately start taking care of my body. And I must live the life I want to live. Start making definitive plans to move out of the city when my time with mother is done. Finish this wishy washy dreaming, this ‘where should I go’ and work it out. Have more fun! Be me.
Other thoughts are spinning – my dad, my son, my life. How I fucked it all up. What’s done is done but it’s not too late to change the future. Too much of the present is unsettling me and I’ve jumped through enough of other people’s hoops.
‘Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?’ asks Mary Oliver.