this precious human rebirth

 

They’ve given her valium on top of the morphine to make her sleep at night.

I can’t sleep tonight.

My mind is very busy, wide awake. I’m thinking about Al and her kids up at the beach house in the next couple of days. Some quality time together with that amazing view. I hope it’s not too cold and that they make happy memories. She’s going into hospice when they get back. I said I’d rather die at home but she’s anxious, and her kids are too young to carry the burden – her decision. It’s a good end if we can do it our own way. Absolutely respect that.

I know the teaching of the Buddha – not to waste our precious human rebirth. I have been smacked in the face with it now and what I take from this situation, as a way of honouring her, is that I must immediately start taking care of my body. And I must live the life I want to live. Start making definitive plans to move out of the city when my time with mother is done. Finish this wishy washy dreaming, this ‘where should I go’ and work it out. Have more fun! Be me.

Other thoughts are spinning – my dad, my son, my life. How I fucked it all up. What’s done is done but it’s not too late to change the future. Too much of the present is unsettling me and I’ve jumped through enough of other people’s hoops.

‘Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?’ asks Mary Oliver.

 

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25 thoughts on “this precious human rebirth

  1. It IS precious, and some times it stinks out loud and other times it smells pretty damn good. There are even days that it’s fuckin’ beautiful.

  2. One breath at a time, my friend, live life fully – acknowledge the mistakes, don’t let yourself be dragged down by regrets. You only have the now…live it fully! xoM

  3. But the end is always sad for those we remain.

  4. a very moving post

  5. May all beings be Happy and Well! with metta

  6. I wish you the best as you as you embark on truly finding you. It is so easy to be delayed along the path. Even though we may think we know what our one wild and precious life holds in store, those roadblocks and diversions are everywhere and thus my mantra always seems to come back to Robert Frost and “The road not taken…”

    • thank you Debbie, I know me – that much is fine – but haven’t been able to live my way..a bit more time should change that. Just need to decide which road to take – literally 🙂 (geographical move!)

  7. Deep breath. Remain still. All things happen for a reason and sometimes you just think, ‘what the hell is the reason?!’
    A move will take you physically away, but not mentally – that is something you need to work through before decisions are made. Best of luck 🙂

  8. Learning that it is the present we must live in, is the first step in learning how to live.
    with metta

  9. You write,”I must immediately start taking care of my body. And I must live the life I want to live. Start making definitive plans . . . . . Finish this wishy washy dreaming, this ‘where should I go’ and work it out. Have more fun! Be me.”

    Yes. Exactly. That’s one of my exact take-away lessons from grief. I’m sorry to hear about Al and her family … it sounds horribly untimely. I hope she is comfortable.

    Ready for more spookiness? I have the same Mary Oliver quote on my “about” page. Nice to meet you, kindred spirit.

  10. I like your take… what has happened is done…what is left of us is what we need to live, enjoy and utilize to the maximum… That can be one great way of thanking God for choosing for us another breath, a day…giving us a chance at life

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