My old adversary anxiety is back to bite me. Fear wakes me with a slap in the face every morning. I can’t talk about it. When something is really wrong I shut down verbally. I should talk to her at least, ask her how this day is for her but I just want it to all go away.
On all hallow’s eve 2012, youngest was diagnosed with severe ulcerative colitis. ‘Debilitating, lifelong, worst case scenario full removal of bowel, lifestyle impact, her age’ on and on went the bum doctor as he’s come to be known in our house. ‘Keep her alive, please stop the bleeding’ from me.
Daughter is coping better than me for the most part. And she’s the one that has to deal with this, manage it. She tells me she feels a little better day by day – the steroids are kicking in. But has the bleeding stopped? I’m too scared to ask. Will it? I’m not coping at all. A mother should be able to protect her child. I’ve failed. And I’m so so sad for my darling little girl. Sweetest natured thing that ever walked this earth.
When she walks past me on her way to the bathroom my heart rate increases. Will there be a lot of blood, should we go to ER? When she tells me she’s going to have a shower I feel dread. Will she faint, feel dizzy?
Yesterday, four doses of steroids down, she told me she was bored. She was able to go hours without the bathroom and wanted to go out! This is of course such a fabulously positive sign but I was terrified. We went for a short drive. Tried a bookstore that she has a voucher for. I was glued to her elbow and the very short outing must have annoyed her as much as it was a nightmare for me. On the way home we stopped at the local supermarket. Her first outing in how many months and standing looking at muffins (and deciding not to buy one – we don’t know what she should be eating yet!) I realised the bum doctor was standing next to her!! We talked about how weird that was for the rest of the day.
Synchronicity. I told her about the time, years ago, that I was driving ‘home’, back to my old home town after a long absence. I was nervous on the big highway and emotional about the trip. Suddenly, and I really mean suddenly, a car pulled in front of me and drove slowly there for a while, as though guiding me. My long dead father’s initials were the number plate and I swear it came out of nowhere – I had seen no car in the rear view mirror or side lane. I felt very comforted.
I believe the bum doctor sighting was comforting as well. It was ok to be out. It was ok to go on with life. We didn’t speak. He didn’t acknowledge us – I’m sure he knew we were there but it wasn’t appropriate. He was out with his children after their weekend sport.
I know that all life is Karma. My boss keeps telling me to use the Dharma, I will get through this. Rang me from his overseas trip to check on us. Now that’s a nice boss. It’s very hard to be a Buddhist faced with this. I guess any faith is tested in times when you really need it most. How can this adorable, beautiful girl have such bad karma? I just cannot believe that. (I’m in the ‘why me’ stage – why her?) I do believe, and have often been heard to sprout, that everything happens for a reason, there is no such thing as a coincidence. How can that be now? Where can there be a reason for this?
Each day we start again. Yesterday she was bored, upbeat. Today I woke again in fear and not ready to tackle the hard questions and find out how she’s really feeling today. It’s going to take time. She’s the one who has to deal with this physically and she’s already starting to accept that – happy to have an answer, a diagnosis. For me it’s a mental issue and almost a year of worrying left me in a heap on the floor. I know I need to talk to someone. Next appointment is Tuesday and maybe the bowel clinic has a therapist. If not I’ll find one this week. For both of us – but separately.
Something like this and all your wishes blow away in a feather’s breeze. Nothing matters. Just looking after her.
Today friends dropped beautiful white roses on the doorstep; and then the best thing to come from this, from anything. My son came to visit his sister this evening. He rang her to see how she is and then said ‘I’ll drop in’ and he did. The estranged one.. he is making baby steps towards us and I couldn’t be happier. Amazing when I thought happiness was gone?! A psychic once said to me your daughter will bring him back to you..
It’s all a bit exhausting. Emotion wise it’s four seasons in one day..