sunday morning thoughts

 

As soon as I wake fear explodes out of my head in all directions.

It’s more than two weeks since the diagnosis and theoretically she’s a little better than before we knew, shouldn’t that be good? She is coping, why am I such a mess?

I start breathing meditation quickly, desperately but watching the breath as an escape is not the way.. and it doesn’t work anyway. Nothing works at the moment – how can I beat this?

The first sound I hear, the only sound this Sunday morning, is the big cat vomiting. Something tangible to get up and deal with.

Outer silence is so unusual in my world.. You know that feeling when you really don’t want to get up but you can’t shake the anxiety wherever you are, once the mind is in gear, the eyes open… ?

Advertisements

32 thoughts on “sunday morning thoughts

  1. You’re not alone, Annie. xoM

  2. unfetteredbs

    hang in there Annie and be strong. You can do this.. will keep you in my prayers

  3. maybe you are taking on some of her anxiety too- feeling it all for the both of you. Hope you can find some calm and peace.

  4. Oh wish I could do something – you are not alone – we are here. Email me if you want juligoyder@gmail.com

  5. I know that feeling of loneliness that is immune to present day social interactions, Annie. No matter how many people tell you that they are there for you or how much they love you, you still feel alone. All I can say is that if you look deep inside, you will see that you are never alone. Your daughter, your family, your friends have always been with you and will always be with you. Hugs and love, Kozo.

  6. Thinking of you, Annie. Praying for some peace for you.

  7. Karma Rinchen Tashi

    Annie, it is sad to read of your daughters illness, it ,ust be very difficult to deal with, I read this yesterday and maybe it would offer some comfort:
    http://istopforsuffering.wordpress.com/2012/11/16/know-that-you-are-loved/
    Your family will be in my prayers _/\_

  8. Margarita always says things the best way. I’m thinking of you. I don’t blame you for feeling alone. Being the mom can be a lonely business. You’re a good mom. I wish I had more than just these words but you will have to keep them! xoxox Maggie

  9. You think of yourself as a mess because so much falls upon you, I think. Despite having many wonderful and supportive friends and family members around, I have never felt as isolated and apart from the rest of the world (although intellectually I know, unfortunately, that I am not alone at all in having been a caretaker for a gravely ill child and a terminally ill spouse) as when people I loved were at the mercy of serious illness. My son had become critically ill by the time he was diagnosed with a chronic (the word I prefer to “incurable”) severe digestive system disease, and it was beyond terrifying. His symptoms have been under control for years now, with occasional flare-ups, but don’t be surprised if you as the mom have a kind of PTSD, flashing back to how your child became ill and was diagnosed. Very best to all of you.

    • That’s it – thank you so much for your comment. You’ve expressed it so well..
      Sounds like the same chronic disease and daughter was also extremely ill by the time of diagnosis – almost the whole year has been a struggle to this point. Just juggling the meds to get this under control and then I hope her story will be like your son and so many others..and I will not let it rule my life 🙂
      Accepting that someone you love has something for no good reason that you can’t make go away…I know you’ve been there. Thanks for your words and wishes.

  10. It is very difficult for us parents to watch our children suffer right before us and we are not able to remedy it. I can understand the anxiety. We can’t help it. We love them more than life itself. We would die for our children. We would kill for our children.

    I’m a physician and I have to tell you that each day that we face pain and suffering, we have to always put on the brave face. All the time. Or else, how would we be of any use to you or your child if we allow ourselves to crumble and break down? They will always do their best with what’s medically available. They will fight with you and your child. You can conquer this.

  11. […] I read this post I decided to accept Keith’s challenge; and after the initial horror and anxiety that went with the diagnosis it seemed like such a good idea to intentionally count blessings. So I […]

  12. My thoughts are with you.
    Love & peace!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s