don’t ho ho ho me

 

Another four a.m. wide awake.

The fan whirs overhead and the prayer flags are flapping.  All is blackness around the luminous laptop screen.

I don’t have christmas spirit, that’s not new, perhaps I am the grinch of the family.  Last night though I had a great idea for a present and found three more in the same shop today so quite pleased with myself.

Sister will arrive from US next week and then the fun starts. Not.

The ghosts of dysfunction are gathering in my basement.  And by the time we’ve had a merry little christmas the air will be thick with them.  They will rise and join us at the dinner table.  Mock me even as the turkey sacrifices itself.  Coloured paper hats all round and ‘jokes’ that are not funny.

I will not be expected to speak. There are siblings that would not stand for that, will not be displaced from the centre of attention. And so I will escape into my head, with a blank look on my face, while surrounded by relatives. Notice I didn’t say ‘well meaning’ relatives because there are none of those.

Perhaps this year I will take a good look at each player and find a character or two for a novel, at our table.

If I sound bitter and twisted please forgive me. I am not. It’s just a time frame to be gotten through. We will all do it as we have done for years. Ever since father died and it all went…you know where.

In January, I will travel south and watch famous international tennis players. It will be a lot of fun and there’s that to look forward to.

 

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21 thoughts on “don’t ho ho ho me

  1. unfetteredbs

    ghosts of dysfunction.. I love this image and I hate we share this

  2. Very well written. Strong and proud and beautiful.

    It’s a shame, but there are times when we have to put on our best soldier’s face… the look that has no look.

    For now… breathe. And smile.

    • Thank you TW

      Sometimes I get lost in posting photos; and/or I don’t want my blog to be simply a diary…

      We will get through the season…always do. I’m less combative as I get older and just dream, and smile 🙂

  3. Do you sometimes wish you could just go away for the day by yourself on Christmas day? I get on with my brothers and their wives and kids and my mum but somehow there is always such tension with her because she wants everything to be perfect when it isn’t.

  4. I thought I was the only one feeling like ‘so what’ over this Christmas caper!

  5. I love the idea of using the event to create new characters for your novel. Way to make lemonade out of lemons, Annie.
    Maybe you can sneak away to a computer and blog a bit on Christmas. Would love to read it on Christmas Eve since we are a day behind. 🙂

  6. I liked the line about getting new characters for a novel too. Sorry to hear things are that way, would siblings be better one on one? Good luck with the holidays, it’s amazing how much pressure there is for them to be “perfect” which is why they’re so difficult. (I blame the advertisers.)

  7. The Christmas stress sadly sounds all too familiar….the tennis sounds fantastic…lucky you! Julia

  8. Karma Rinchen Tashi

    Gosh yes that family stuff hangs aaround for ever it seems. I hold onto mine, I think it would miss it if I dropped it!

  9. You don’t sound twisted at all… but remember, a holiday like that doesn’t have to be what we expect. We can play it different this time… even if we’ve been through the same routine over and over again in the past. And there is a great pleasure in doing the unexpected… even if it’s in a whisper… let the others try and figure it out… and keep a straight face. You could be the one supplying the entertainment, if you do it right… and it could change everything. You just have to have a little patience.

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