still grieving


I remember Ali saying to me one day ‘you have a lot of anger’.

‘NO I DON’T’ I jumped down her throat and she just laughed which made me more angry.

I see it now Al 🙂

You were right of course, so wise. Not much older than me but wise beyond it. So many times since your death I’ve wanted to talk, reached for the phone. I can’t visit the cottage. Your boy is ok but I can’t see him there. I wonder how the cats are, must ask him. Wonder how your faithful keyboard companion is doing without you. At the lunch after your funeral, he was sitting in the box Gail’s cake came in licking up the spilt cream. Happy as the proverbial cat that got the cream, I just know he was going to be sick later but no one moved to stop him. At one point, as if directed in a movie and in slow motion, we all looked left in unison and just watched him without speaking. Let him have that little pleasure, his darling human is gone.

What do I do about the anger Ali? It simmers…. I don’t know why it’s there. There’s a rebuke in my head for just about every comment my siblings make. I keep them in but they fester. Why can’t I be happy, get on with them? Or why can’t it all just go away..

I miss your joy and your lightness. Your intoxicating laugh. I miss you friend. What an amazing gift you were in my life.



31 thoughts on “still grieving

  1. anger too is part of life… we just have to work through it… to realize why it’s there… to deal with the realities behind it. It takes time.

    • I don’t know why it’s there with the siblings…my daughter thinks it’s just because I’m tired but it’s always been there Shimon..

      • We don’t choose our parents… nor our siblings. And we don’t always fit in to the world we were born into. Sometimes it’s hard to take. But fortunately, as we grow older we’re able to find our own place in this world… usually.

  2. I can almost picture that exchange between you and Ali. 🙂

    • her = mother; me = recalcitrant child..

      she gave great wise and motherly advice…and then was disorganised, wild, ‘my most fun friend’ as I told her a few times in the last years 🙂

  3. Usually, at the bottom of any pile of stuff is fear. With your siblings, perhaps fear that you’d not be loved as much as they? No matter your perceptions, Annie, you were, and are, loved. Look through the filter of expectation to see what’s really there…And Ali is still with you – you’d not write her, otherwise! xoxoM

  4. From Rumi:
    The Guest House

    This being human is a guest house.
    Every morning a new arrival.

    A joy, a depression, a meanness,
    some momentary awareness comes
    as an unexpected visitor.

    Welcome and entertain them all!
    Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
    who violently sweep your house
    empty of its furniture,
    still, treat each guest honorably.
    He may be clearing you out
    for some new delight.

    The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
    meet them at the door laughing,
    and invite them in.

    Be grateful for whoever comes,
    because each has been sent
    as a guide from beyond.

  5. Powerfully beautiful post.

  6. I’m sorry Annie. I know loss is hard but I have never lost a friend. I miss my mom but there are times when I feel worse for her friends, it must be a different kind of pain. Take care and thank you for writing this.

  7. free penny press

    Grief is a fickle beast.. It comes and departs at it’s leisure.. I send you some positive vibes in hopes it pushes it away.. for good!

  8. I totally understand the sibling anger. I have that and I try so hard to control it – it’s because they know you so well and know which buttons to push and when. This comes from their doubts and insecurities, not yours. You are very lucky to have had a friend like Ali – these relationships don’t come around very often. Continue to ‘talk’ to her in your own way and I’m sure the answers will come because she’s left you with a beautiful legacy – love.

  9. The way you have written this is so stirring.

  10. I am in no way trying to play amateur psychologist but are you angry at your friend for leaving you? I think that’s a normal reaction, one that is just part of the grieving process and might you be taking it out quite strongly on your siblings because you can’t tell your friend how mad you are that she left you?
    I know nothing about your situation but I do see that you hurt and I am sorry for your suffering.

    • No, but I can see how you (one) could so easily think that from reading it Debbie, it’s a natural assumption…and in some ways it’d be easier if it were true as, at least I’d know the core of the anger and be able to deal with it.

      The anger is from way back, growing up with these siblings..maybe it’s frustration more than anger?

      I just miss my dear friend – it’s only a couple of months since she died..need some time.

  11. smile breathe and go slowly

    I agree with Margarita above. About the base being fear. From my little understanding about this crazy life, there are only two real emotions. Love and Fear. All things stem from those. I , too, deal with anger ‘stuff’…trying to figure out what to do with mine , which ends up being more ‘rage’ than ‘anger’ to me. Your friend sounds like a wonderful person. one other thing i believe to be true is that we are made of energy. All of us. And energy cannot be created or destroyed. Therefore she is not gone, only changed forms. 🙂

    • Thank you for that lovely comment – it helps alot. These are things I believe too, sometimes just need a reminder 🙂

      She is not gone, I get her messages, I miss her physical presence but she is still around her dear friends..

  12. unfetteredbs

    This post left me with a lump in my throat. Grief and anger are a hard mix. Don’t let either fester.
    Losing someone this special is so very hard– you have showed how much you love her.
    Family stuff sure does linger with no anwers or relief, does’t it? Sending my caring thoughts your way

    • Yes the family stuff can linger and there has to come a point where we can live life our own way before it’s all over !!

      Thanks for caring Audra, she was a wonderful friend, I learnt so much from her.

  13. Beautiful recognition of your grief. Sad, hurts. real. Sending love~~~!!!

  14. 1EarthUnited

    “Anger is a gift” – use it consciously to help others. Peace will be yours. – Love

  15. […] Oh wow Ali where for art thou yes I DO have a lot of anger! […]

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