some days…you know?

 

Oh wow Ali where for art thou yes I DO have a lot of anger!

Here’s my day.

Trip to the hospital with youngest. Yay we’re supposed to be happy that her test results are all ok so that means next week they can start pumping mouse protein into her, along with the three current toxic drugs, in an attempt to get her body to stop attacking her body. That’s right MOUSE protein. I’ll sit next to her in the day clinic for eight hours while it’s delivered by tube and we’re being happy about it.

Next a stupid phone call from my ex husband who let’s be honest resides on another planet. A planet where ‘let’s plan a week in Europe together’ seems like a statement that won’t be met with what the? Since when do we even talk, until recently about children’s health, and how many years since we’ve been in the same room, same country, spoken face to face but um yeah sure I can picture this vacation you mention.      N O T even.

Add a visit from a sibling to discuss mother’s care. That’s forty five minutes of my life I won’t get back, and I can’t add anything to what I’m already doing for mother. ‘Mother is depressed’.  News flash I’m heading that way on a good day! Surely we all are at times.

I think that’s all, really. It’s just stirred up again after the retelling to eldest. The explanation as to why we can’t have a weekend away together any time soon though I would love to.

Sometimes I think killing one of them would be a good option. (And I so do not mean my children! you know that right?!) In jail I would be fed, clothed, roofed, and have free medical care til the end of my days. And I could probably garden.

But seriously dear reader do not fret about me – it’s all out now. Better out than in. I am fine. Some days are wonderful. It’s not all negative at all I promise! It’s funny really. And today I am so buoyed by the response to my retreat story – I wasn’t sure I could tell it so to have so many people enjoy it and let me know, is just….well Sally Field territory 🙂

 

(Two readers came from facebook – how does that work?! I’m not connected..must be from someone else’s blog showing on their facebook page I guess)

 

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39 thoughts on “some days…you know?

  1. I have days like that. Weeks and months, it seems sometimes, when there is just too much to deal with, and breathing is hard to fit on the schedule. ( And on those days, I also get a bit envious of the people in the upscale jails. If only I would have access to my clean food. My husband says I am the only person he knows that would be happy in solitary confinement. ). Oddly, I am missing the ability to get angry. I am working on it. I don’t think I need it, but apparently it is a good protective device. Like the ability to feel physical pain, which is also diminished in me. So, send some of that passion this way. And as you ride it out, find some small comfort in being able to feel so deeply!
    The waves crest, and then they recede. And leave treasures on the beach.

    • Breathing, washing my hair and clothes – no time on the schedule you’re right!
      It’s nice to think of the anger as passion – yes I have a lot of that, untapped..but I also would probably rather your calm. Funny, most people would describe me as calm 🙂 There’s a lot that bubbles…
      I LOVE your last line 🙂
      thanks for your great comment

  2. I had a rottten day too, but yours sounds worse. Thank goodness for tomorrow!

  3. I have two responses to your post. On the one hand, I can see how hectic your life is, wow! That is a lot of stuff to deal with. Even though yesterday wasn’t all that pleasant, you seem to have mastered it all with style. Secondly the humor behind your stress is fantastic, it is one of those things that I am not sure if I should be laughing or not, but I can’t help it. I have felt the same way and I know what you mean. I also agree that once it is out on the page, the computer or wherever you write it feels better, almost like you are now in control of the circumstances rather than the other way around. Thank you for sharing and I wish you the most positive outcomes in all of your challenges and that you stay out of prison. 🙂

    • I loved your response Jonathan 🙂 I will probably stay out of prison but you can never say never right. In that same vein then I should accept that this too shall pass – who knows what wonder is around the corner 🙂

      Loved your very positive post today by the way..

  4. trust me i know how you feel and i applaud you for being as brave as you are. keep your head up and remain you for you are doing a great job!

  5. Been there… oh, right still there. Seems I write about this way too much, but I agree: better out than in. Like that saying. Hang in there; be encouraged; you’re not alone. Nice post, but I hope the day turns around.

    • Just seem to have a roller coaster of days and emotions at the moment but I guess I have to expect that with all that’s going on around here 🙂 Thanks for understanding, and commenting..

      • My life has been full of “challenges,” (kid’s health issues, personal issues, sick mother- who died last Dec.- and life, life!)… for a few years now. I get it. Unlike you, I have not figured out how to meditate yet… something I have long known I should do. Not that that solves everything, as you well know. But it helps. Just breath. Remember that it all ebbs and flows. And then, breath some more. Be gentle with yourself. 🙂

        • Thank you 🙂 I don’t often remember to be gentle with myself.
          I have been meditating for many years but even so have periods of time when the roller coaster we’re on (samsara – the wheel of life!) shakes my calm and I just can’t breathe…
          (of course I Breathe! but I can’t Breathe 🙂 )
          Keep moving through though…
          Best wishes to you too.

  6. Stay strong, Annie! We all have ‘those days’ so you’re not alone. I had a bit of a giggle when you mentioned your mother and getting that forty five minutes of your life back – good god, we’re SO similar! 😉

  7. I loved reading your life just now. This zapped me completely (well almost completely) out of feeling sorry for myself because I can’t breathe through my nose. A cold is simple and time limited. I get to sit home and eat hot soup.

  8. I love your honesty! Mouse protein and all.
    xo
    Diana

  9. At least the day is over, Annie. If you need some good energy, just go back to your unforgettable post. You were given a lot to handle because you can handle a lot. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo

  10. Well…it was just a day. Right? Now its over! NEXT!!! Good job hanging in and just ‘noticing’ the bullshittiness of it all. : ) bravo!!

  11. It’s good to vent! 🙂
    Hope your tomorrow’s better.

  12. unfetteredbs

    as you know I love a good rant… feels good to do it.

  13. I am ALL ABOUT letting it all out… Hope you are having a better day today, my friend.

  14. “That’s forty five minutes of my life I won’t get back”, I can’t believe that you said something I say with boring regularity. I also use, “It’s my life; don’t ruin it. I only have ONE.” You make me laugh, Annie. xox

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