Can’t sleep and head won’t shut down. Perhaps if I let it all spill out on the screen I can be done with it and off to snoresville.
Easter was shite. Literally actually!
Last week the magnificent milestone of the day of my birth was celebrated. My boss, flying interstate the day before, must have gone to the office at the crack of dawn and left me the most beautiful bunch of flowers and a card. The words he wrote – I had to reread them later in the day to see if I could believe them. You know when you can’t believe such nice words about yourself? I so appreciated that as much as anything else I received. I’ve gone years without my birthday being acknowledged beyond my children when they were old enough; and without feeling good about myself or anyone saying such lovely things to me.
My assistant gave me a lovely present –very me. She knows me that well? Really touching. Both daughters showed their love – so sweet. Unnecessary but just heart warming.
I floated for two days. A feeling I’m unused to. Close to happy as I’ve been in a long time. And then the chocolates. One sibling, who constantly goes on about my weight and healthy eating, gave me a shitload of chocolate for my birthday. ?? I actually cried. I have been making an effort to lose weight, have been so conscious of everything that goes in my mouth. This from the relative who’s given me nothing for years. I’m supposed to be grateful but it hurt. I look at them and see poison – I can’t even think of giving them away to someone.
Someone else is doing mother’s pills next morning and we’re heading in to a four day break from work so I can’t wait to sleep in. Famous last thought.. I’m woken around six by a tapping and mother yelling my name. The tapping of her stick on the door. Jump out of bed without benefit of morning tablets, pull tshirt on while rushing down the stairs and find mother sitting inside the open front door in a pool of her own excrement. She went to get the paper in and fell. Or had diarrhea and slipped in it. Not pleasant but that’s what I found. She went to hospital in an ambulance. I cleaned everything up. Two days later she came home with no explanation for the incident but with instructions to wait for her paper til I get up! How often do 90 year olds fall and not break bones, have clear brain scans? She’s so strong..
No respite during her time away – it was too short and I was still in shock and worn out. The night she came back daughter almost went in. Fierce abdominal pain related to her condition, and a fever but we rode it out.
Today I’ve had a fever. I stayed in bed all day. A photo of my father in his naval uniform watches over me. From years before I knew him. Very dashing in his captain’s cap. ‘What’s the matter with my girl?’ he’d ask.
I wish you’d met my little ones..watch over them too?