are these the end days?

 

I need this to be over and I know she does too.

Next week she might perk right up, eat every meal, smile, talk, take interest in things.

The last couple of days have been a whole new ramped up level of awful. I am numb from parent aged care, and the not knowing. What to do, what she needs…

When I wake, I wonder if she’s passed in the night. I want to stay in bed a little longer because when I open the door, I’ll see her legs. She’s made it through and is sitting in that blue chair that has held her weight for days on end, for days on end.

Lately though, she’s just sitting, blanket on the floor beside her. Can she not be bothered to pick it up, in her confusion does she not know to, or is she willing herself to death? Death by teeth chattering.

She’s still sleeping when I go in today. Before I leave her with the carer I check she’s breathing – ‘alive, asleep’ I report and I’m off for the morning.

Yesterday she ate about three spoonfuls all day. Is she not hungry, does she not remember she hasn’t eaten, or is she willing herself to death? Death by empty stomach.

Death will come, by the simple fact of having lived long enough.

 

 

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30 thoughts on “are these the end days?

  1. Annie, I read the most amazing piece by hospice and I will try to find it for you. When people are dying, they exist sort of here and sort of there. They don’t need food. They are not of this world, their energy is turning inward to whatever the next journey is. I know how tough this is but it is also strangely miraculous. I hope your mother isn’t in pain but other than that, she’s taking care of herself.

    Much love to you! xo maggie

  2. Ditto to what Maggie O’C said, Annie.
    As long as she’s not in pain, she doesn’t need food at this stage.
    It’s Time to move on to the next existence (as I believe in reincarnation and the stage in between).

    I think you should be prepared for her passing now. Sounds like she’s very comfortable at the moment though.

  3. May you and your mom find peace soon…

  4. Hugs for you both on this journey.
    A. xox

  5. My mother doesn’t live with me, she is in a nursing home. She is also very frail, but she loves the place where she’s living. There hasn’t been a day go by when someone from the family hasn’t visited her (we have a big family). I can’t imagine how hard it is for you, Annie to have your mother living with you. You are an angel. One day you’ll look back on this time and know there was love in your mother’s life (and she knows this too). I’m thinking of you and sending you love – I know this isn’t much, but it’s all I can do 😦

  6. unfetteredbs

    Maggie said it best. Use this time to find your own peace, as well.

  7. wishing you well. don’t often comment, but this is the way of death, and it’s not often a short walk. it takes time to decide when to let go…
    my best to you.
    meredith

  8. I’m sending you warmth and support Annie Rx

  9. Transitioning isn’t easy, Annie, neither for the one making the transition nor for those of us left behind. It’s all about love, my friend: Love to let go of the body and Love to hold on to…the Love. xoxoM

  10. Reminds me of my friend between Christmas and just after the New Year before she passed away. She was aware of more than we realized, but kind of hovering in a betweenness. Not an easy place for you, but where she needs to be. Praying you both find peace soon.

  11. I’m so sorry. Bringing back memories of my parents’ last days. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Wishing you stamina and courage . . .

  12. {{{hugs}}} to you in the moment. Compassion for you both. Love, Kozo

  13. it was one of the hardest yet greatest times of my life when I was nursing my Mum before she died. I hope when the end comes it is peaceful for you both. When it does happen.. look up and say goodbye.. I know my mum saw me and was finally free …. If you need anything… I’m here for you.. xxxx

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