I wonder what she’s doing now but then, I catch myself – she’s not! How can someone just cease to exist? I do miss my mother. For several years, if I’m honest, I resented the dictation of my life. Death didn’t bring instant happiness. Nothing much is different. Except a hovering sadness which lifts in spurts – in time it will push back, drift off, fade out. It can’t have all been for nothing. I predict major change, I just don’t know when yet.
Sometimes it’s easier to just pretend she’s next door doing what she always did. I even hear the noise of her stick against the floorboards, signal that she was on the move. But of course I don’t! Does that mean, that when she was sitting in her blue and white armchair, and tapped wood on wood, that she wasn’t actually getting up at all? I was hearing things. OR. Does the house creak now in sympathy, with the bones of pain moved on?
When I was young and fed the christian story, I always wondered about this notion of heaven. Supposedly you’d be reunited with loved ones, with everyone you knew. Does everyone remain the age they died? Is she now older than her own mother, is she a small child with her parents, a young bride with my father…and what about the two babies that started to grow inside me but didn’t breathe in this lifetime, does she get to grandmother them? How is that concept reconciled…
I believe that we are all connected. Generations past live through me. I hope, somewhere down the line someone will sit on a couch and consider – I have impacted their time on this coil.
I do miss you mother.