taking control

 

The doctor had me fill out some government approved survey about thoughts and feelings over the last week. I answered honestly and then she ‘scored’ me…’Your anxiety is actually normal level’.

ha ha ha x 2

‘No, it’s not normal, not normal!!’

I did get a referral for some counselling sessions. Came home and slept away a mega headache all afternoon. A little temple massaging, tiger balm on the shoulders, zzz’s and away it went.

Tomorrow I’ll buy more flowers 🙂

 

(title with thanks to Chatterblog)

 

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damn you health anxiety – mind beast

 

It’s back. With a vengeance.

I read, and look around at what others are going through and I KNOW it’s ridiculous and yet I’m anxious as hell. I WANT to live without it. I DON’T want to write about it but I guess I am because I want to hear that someone understands, someone has been through exactly this.

I’m losing weight. (That’s a good thing)
My blood pressure is going down. (That’s a good thing)
I begin to feel faint a bit each day. (That feeling makes me anxious)
I go to the doctor to check bp. (I have serious white coat syndrome AND a phobia of having my bp taken, even hearing or seeing the words ‘blood pressure’ makes me very uncomfortable)
Due to the above issues my bp is up at the doctors so she has to rely on what I’m telling her….and
Rather than decrease my meds straight up she suggests splitting the dose.
I take 2/3 of it this morning, feel mostly fine all day then I’m supposed to take the other 1/3 in the evening, or bedtime. Around 6pm I feel like it’s high and take the tablet.

When I say I felt mostly fine all day I actually felt yucky but I THINK bp was ok. Warm face, tight shoulders…and too much thinking about it all.

The little one had a colonoscopy today – she’s out of remission but the news was better than expected. Initially it was feared that her main med was no longer working but the GI is happy that that’s not the case. Added a bit to her regime…and carry on.

There’s always other things going on with loved ones and so yes there is stress. I just want to feel physically and mentally better. AND hey who knew but writing this out has actually helped. Let’s look at the facts again – I’m losing weight and my bp is going down. POSITIVE. POSITIVE!

The big cat sleeps right up next to me and purrs. Best snuggler ever and that’s great. I’d really love a hug though and a whisper in my ear ‘everything’s fine’… (too much to ask from the big cat ha ha ha)

oh hey, if you’re in Sydney and you’re not too anxious to go out 😉 check this festival

 

gettin’ old

ah my bones are aching, my joints and/or muscles…is it this, is it that, is it ‘just’ old age?

my glasses need bumping, one ear is less interested in hearing you…

and today, when I looked at the referral the doctor gave me for a 24hour blood pressure monitor test all I saw was ’56 year old’

I’m going through some sort of crisis and it’s not middle age my friends! (marbles intact so far)

Travelling ghosts and shadows

I’d love to be someone who doesn’t even understand the symptoms of anxiety. Has no clue about it. I don’t wish to lack empathy or compassion! but it’s exhausting taking it everywhere with me. Let me enjoy this long planned trip to Boston. Let me not drag the weight of this fear around every day. 

On the other hand the dark pools I’ve fallen in and the clinging vines I’ve fought through have made me a person I actually really like. It’s all contributed. 
I can do this at home – a full day without fear! Trip goal. 

(Is that pathetic?)

who’s counting?

Daryl is singing to me while I write to you. The kids are always joking he’s my next husband but we all know that’s not going to happen. I mean we’d have to meet first, right!?!

How the heck did I get here? In one minute it’s 55 years since I was born. There it goes. The clock ticked! Only a couple of years ago I found out the time of my birth so it was actually really cool to watch it on the screen just now.

The tests were all clear but I guess you knew that would be the outcome. It’s the waiting, the anticipation that’s the worst. Note to self – in future when you ring for an appointment take the first one, don’t give yourself weeks to wimp it up!

I keep dodging bullets! No excuses, the big girl says ‘you’re so much healthier than you think you are’…yeah.

Just one more tune. Wait, Billy Thorpe is third ahead – he can sing to me then I’ll go upstairs. We’ll see what 55 looks like in the morning 😉

(throw your hands up in the air if you know who daryl; and billy thorpe are. geography will out you methinks)

at the beach

What happens when you escape to the beach house?

This is going to sound silly but I was scared to come. I would have stayed at home, in the house, on the couch for three days and spoken to no one. She pushed me and so I’m here.

I’ve had some weird physical feelings the last few days, been stressed at work and about christmas (family – you know it), and it’s a long drive but…then I got here and found it was all anxiety.  And it didn’t come with me 🙂

What happens is that I notice things. It was a day of bright bright blue when I arrived and then later the dark and storm rolled in. Heavy clouds. Cooling wind. Birds flapping in all directions. It is all absolutely beautiful.

One of the maintenance guys was parked in the driveway when I arrived so I put my things inside and then went out for a while. I drove around looking at the streets I’d like to live in. I drove down to the beach and bought a coffee and cake. (Yep cake, indulge me!) Then I went a suburb further to discover other architectural gems, only in my future with a lotto win. Sip the coffee, bite the cake. Another beach for horizon photos. A fair amount of bodies in the sun given it’s a week day. A splattering of recent school leavers having a much tamer holiday than those further north.

Bought a lotto ticket.

I even bought some fish and chips for my lunch. It’s a beachie kind of thing to do! I sat at the table and used a fork though…

A very good day. Changed up the routine. Spoke to five people. Saw the resident long lizard, a tiny brush turkey, a couple of cockatoos and a cocktail party of other birds – babbling incoherently, and unrecognisable to me, they kept their distance.

Hey, I’m glad she pushed. I’m happy here.