gettin’ old

ah my bones are aching, my joints and/or muscles…is it this, is it that, is it ‘just’ old age?

my glasses need bumping, one ear is less interested in hearing you…

and today, when I looked at the referral the doctor gave me for a 24hour blood pressure monitor test all I saw was ’56 year old’

I’m going through some sort of crisis and it’s not middle age my friends! (marbles intact so far)

Travelling ghosts and shadows

I’d love to be someone who doesn’t even understand the symptoms of anxiety. Has no clue about it. I don’t wish to lack empathy or compassion! but it’s exhausting taking it everywhere with me. Let me enjoy this long planned trip to Boston. Let me not drag the weight of this fear around every day. 

On the other hand the dark pools I’ve fallen in and the clinging vines I’ve fought through have made me a person I actually really like. It’s all contributed. 
I can do this at home – a full day without fear! Trip goal. 

(Is that pathetic?)

who’s counting?

Daryl is singing to me while I write to you. The kids are always joking he’s my next husband but we all know that’s not going to happen. I mean we’d have to meet first, right!?!

How the heck did I get here? In one minute it’s 55 years since I was born. There it goes. The clock ticked! Only a couple of years ago I found out the time of my birth so it was actually really cool to watch it on the screen just now.

The tests were all clear but I guess you knew that would be the outcome. It’s the waiting, the anticipation that’s the worst. Note to self – in future when you ring for an appointment take the first one, don’t give yourself weeks to wimp it up!

I keep dodging bullets! No excuses, the big girl says ‘you’re so much healthier than you think you are’…yeah.

Just one more tune. Wait, Billy Thorpe is third ahead – he can sing to me then I’ll go upstairs. We’ll see what 55 looks like in the morning 😉

(throw your hands up in the air if you know who daryl; and billy thorpe are. geography will out you methinks)

at the beach

What happens when you escape to the beach house?

This is going to sound silly but I was scared to come. I would have stayed at home, in the house, on the couch for three days and spoken to no one. She pushed me and so I’m here.

I’ve had some weird physical feelings the last few days, been stressed at work and about christmas (family – you know it), and it’s a long drive but…then I got here and found it was all anxiety.  And it didn’t come with me 🙂

What happens is that I notice things. It was a day of bright bright blue when I arrived and then later the dark and storm rolled in. Heavy clouds. Cooling wind. Birds flapping in all directions. It is all absolutely beautiful.

One of the maintenance guys was parked in the driveway when I arrived so I put my things inside and then went out for a while. I drove around looking at the streets I’d like to live in. I drove down to the beach and bought a coffee and cake. (Yep cake, indulge me!) Then I went a suburb further to discover other architectural gems, only in my future with a lotto win. Sip the coffee, bite the cake. Another beach for horizon photos. A fair amount of bodies in the sun given it’s a week day. A splattering of recent school leavers having a much tamer holiday than those further north.

Bought a lotto ticket.

I even bought some fish and chips for my lunch. It’s a beachie kind of thing to do! I sat at the table and used a fork though…

A very good day. Changed up the routine. Spoke to five people. Saw the resident long lizard, a tiny brush turkey, a couple of cockatoos and a cocktail party of other birds – babbling incoherently, and unrecognisable to me, they kept their distance.

Hey, I’m glad she pushed. I’m happy here.

Belfast

The lads have finally gone to sleep, peeled off, or collapsed in an ugly heap somewhere. Saturday night / early Sunday morning Belfast is a noisy noisy place. It’s hot in the hotel room and jet lag is a menace. My mind takes off in anxious directions.

The sibling, who judges even while sleeping, shares the room – not the bed thank goodness! If I were alone I’d have coffee, turn on the tv, maybe have room service but I’m the inoffensive one. I won’t wake her.

In the morning we might hop on and off the bus. We might hear about the Titanic. And the next day my daughters will be here to share excitement and love.

May all beings be well and happy.

Belfast City Hall

Belfast City Hall

major life changes

 

I’ve spent months panicking, preparing, and desperately doing living while counting down to the big trip.

I almost have work under control. I have no idea if I’m ready but I’ll fly away in ten days.

Early idea of an alone trip, an epiphany here and there perhaps, has morphed into a great family adventure. Adventure is not the right word – it’s a case of going places I’ve long dreamed about, and taking demons and dysfunction along with me. Planes, trains, automobiles and hotel rooms shared. Talk about having baggage!

Can’t even say I’m looking forward to it anymore.

And then it struck me. Life is going to change, drastically, soon. When I come back I will be alone in this huge set of walls. While youngest strikes out on her way back to independence I will also need to learn to be, again. All too easy to sit on the couch and eat after work but where’s the happiness? There’s a whole world out there in my own city, my own state, and I’ll have time to find my parts of it.

Responsibilities not quite done, lessened. Before long though I will be totally alone – aged parent care lingers frailly, and the big kids scour the real estate pages for their own patch.

Elusive ‘me’ time just might be rushing this way! Going to grab it with both hands…

 

caring for an aged parent

empty nest approaches

bucket list trip of a lifetime

 

How have you dealt with change?