in dreams…

 

I was dreaming about Ali as I woke up this morning. Was I thinking about her as I drifted off last night? I can’t remember.

I was replaying one of the times we shared at the beach. It was after the doctor’s appointment when she’d been told the possible progressions of the disease that was swirling inside her, and that there was no way out. We all knew that was coming and she’d taken the confirmation seemingly calm…

When we arrived at the beach house Al went to rest on the big bed, in the room that looks out to sea. She soon joined me in the main room complaining of pain in one leg – worried this was THE next thing, that it was bone cancer already. What words did I use? I can’t recall but I did talk the fear away. She was always stiff upper lip and what sticks in my mind now is that I didn’t hug her! So many times I could use a hug and I can’t help remembering that I didn’t give Ali a hug at a time that I’d definitely have wanted one.

Not long ago I bought one of those v shaped pillows so that I can feel hugged in bed. I woke up this morning curled in the pillow, hugging Al in dreams…

 

(side note – it wasn’t bone cancer, there was no time for the cancer to move to her bones or brain before it did it’s worst)

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damn you health anxiety – mind beast

 

It’s back. With a vengeance.

I read, and look around at what others are going through and I KNOW it’s ridiculous and yet I’m anxious as hell. I WANT to live without it. I DON’T want to write about it but I guess I am because I want to hear that someone understands, someone has been through exactly this.

I’m losing weight. (That’s a good thing)
My blood pressure is going down. (That’s a good thing)
I begin to feel faint a bit each day. (That feeling makes me anxious)
I go to the doctor to check bp. (I have serious white coat syndrome AND a phobia of having my bp taken, even hearing or seeing the words ‘blood pressure’ makes me very uncomfortable)
Due to the above issues my bp is up at the doctors so she has to rely on what I’m telling her….and
Rather than decrease my meds straight up she suggests splitting the dose.
I take 2/3 of it this morning, feel mostly fine all day then I’m supposed to take the other 1/3 in the evening, or bedtime. Around 6pm I feel like it’s high and take the tablet.

When I say I felt mostly fine all day I actually felt yucky but I THINK bp was ok. Warm face, tight shoulders…and too much thinking about it all.

The little one had a colonoscopy today – she’s out of remission but the news was better than expected. Initially it was feared that her main med was no longer working but the GI is happy that that’s not the case. Added a bit to her regime…and carry on.

There’s always other things going on with loved ones and so yes there is stress. I just want to feel physically and mentally better. AND hey who knew but writing this out has actually helped. Let’s look at the facts again – I’m losing weight and my bp is going down. POSITIVE. POSITIVE!

The big cat sleeps right up next to me and purrs. Best snuggler ever and that’s great. I’d really love a hug though and a whisper in my ear ‘everything’s fine’… (too much to ask from the big cat ha ha ha)

oh hey, if you’re in Sydney and you’re not too anxious to go out 😉 check this festival

 

I wish we were having coffee…

 

unnamed(this coffee from an earlier, healthy time)

If we were having coffee, and I wish we were, I would tell you that I’m still getting over pneumonia. Maybe you know what that’s like?

Being ill reminded me of how well I’ve been for a long time! Even though I feel achey and old I have been really well compared to this.

I would tell you what wonderful nurses both of the cats have been, little hot water bottles on my feet as I blend in to the couch. They’re missing the big kids too and are unsure of this new world order.

If we were having coffee today I would share with you how much I have to get done before she who rules the world arrives and casts disdainful eyes over the abode, wipes fingers along surfaces and tuts. I don’t have the strength to get started. Mother would have said it’s psychological – I often get sick before the great sibling’s arrival.

I have a light week and I hope I can get back to normal activities.

What would you tell me? What’s going on with you, what are your stories?

(inspired by Write On)

a day like any other

 

Today was a day like any other. Any other during a heatwave that is. Meaning – air con on and stay where you are!

So, I was trawling social media…and a post popped up in a support group I follow and the day took an intense turn. A young woman asked if the amount of medication she had on hand was enough to end her life. What an amazingly wonderful group of people – all living with a chronic illness, often misunderstood and dismissed – delivered a constant stream of messages until we were sure she was safe. A paramedic from another state tried to get someone to her home. Someone from her actual city offered to go to ER with her. Kindness screamed from my screen and overwhelmed me with joy in the midst of such sadness. We are all connected.

There’s a whole team, unseen, walking with her now. So glad she reached out. She spent the afternoon at the hospital, went home with antidepressants and therapy sessions set up and a collective sigh of relief went round.

Tonight, I saw a tv show I’ve never heard of before – Henry Winkler and William Shatner were in Tokyo. Laugh? I did 🙂

Intense day – strangely good start to the week.

who’s counting?

Daryl is singing to me while I write to you. The kids are always joking he’s my next husband but we all know that’s not going to happen. I mean we’d have to meet first, right!?!

How the heck did I get here? In one minute it’s 55 years since I was born. There it goes. The clock ticked! Only a couple of years ago I found out the time of my birth so it was actually really cool to watch it on the screen just now.

The tests were all clear but I guess you knew that would be the outcome. It’s the waiting, the anticipation that’s the worst. Note to self – in future when you ring for an appointment take the first one, don’t give yourself weeks to wimp it up!

I keep dodging bullets! No excuses, the big girl says ‘you’re so much healthier than you think you are’…yeah.

Just one more tune. Wait, Billy Thorpe is third ahead – he can sing to me then I’ll go upstairs. We’ll see what 55 looks like in the morning 😉

(throw your hands up in the air if you know who daryl; and billy thorpe are. geography will out you methinks)