spinning

Spin Reaction GIF by Simon Super Rabbit

when you were younger did you ever spin on a swing, have a friend twirl you….for ‘fun’?

this time around it’s not fun…roll over in bed and you’re falling through layers of air, water, life

stop walking keep moving

vertigo…had no idea

have you had it? tell me all about it

snapshots and memories

I’m looking at a photo of my parents from when they were just engaged. Sydney used to have street photographers back in the day, snapped you as you were going about your business and then you’d most likely buy a print of course.

They both look so young, so happy. It’s crazy to think of everything that happened in their lives that they had no clue about that smiley instant. Did all her dreams come true? Or, enough of them… And I’m thinking about the things that have happened since, the people born unknown to them. My father knew no grandchildren now there are greats!

I feel so old – beginning to wonder what will go on in the lives of those who come after me. And…realistically, with climate change, how many years are left to them anyway?

 

happenchance

Who goes to the supermarket anymore?

I went today, and I saw my son’s childhood foot doctor. I haven’t seen him in over 25 years, and never outside his office and yet of course I recognised and remembered him instantly. He on the other hand, having had so many patients over the years, probably walks around in a constant fog of I know that person…

The silent offspring (he who is absent without leave) was born with bilateral talipes and our appointments with the good doctor, pre school days, were frequent.

Been thinking about all the things I did over the years as a single mother of three…can add those treatments to the list.

 

 

the troubles

 

We’re Irish so I guess a little arguing is to be expected? There’s a lot of opinions come along with me on this family holiday…

I need to make the most of some brief alone time, stomach troubles, to recharge for the next round.

I hopped on the bus one day. Hopped on and off the next. Finally seem to have suppressed the jetlag and did some touristy things. One hour and a half in the Titanic Museum – never crossed my mind to be interested til Belfast but that is a very impressive place. One hour and a half at Crumlin Road Gaol – it’s a gaol, not so nice, and the hangman’s noose at the end… One hour and a half on a Black Cab Tour – I expected fascinating I got distressing and very sobering. Belfast has a dark side still…

The others are out, singing to Van the man, for an hour and a half because that must be the attention span of a tourist.

I’m not sure how I feel about Belfast.

There are some wonderful old buildings and some lovely friendly people. We’ve had amazing food, done lots and lots of walking, stayed in a crazy good hotel, heard birdlife I cannot identify out the window day and night. But also sirens… and the lads every night late. Today’s cabbie told me it’ll be the young rats from the nearby estates…and the gates between the ‘traditions’ are still locked at night, and on Sundays.

Tomorrow we’ll be on our way. A few less travellers with us and the Giant’s Causeway to see before our next stop. We’ll be on the road to Derry.

 

major life changes

 

I’ve spent months panicking, preparing, and desperately doing living while counting down to the big trip.

I almost have work under control. I have no idea if I’m ready but I’ll fly away in ten days.

Early idea of an alone trip, an epiphany here and there perhaps, has morphed into a great family adventure. Adventure is not the right word – it’s a case of going places I’ve long dreamed about, and taking demons and dysfunction along with me. Planes, trains, automobiles and hotel rooms shared. Talk about having baggage!

Can’t even say I’m looking forward to it anymore.

And then it struck me. Life is going to change, drastically, soon. When I come back I will be alone in this huge set of walls. While youngest strikes out on her way back to independence I will also need to learn to be, again. All too easy to sit on the couch and eat after work but where’s the happiness? There’s a whole world out there in my own city, my own state, and I’ll have time to find my parts of it.

Responsibilities not quite done, lessened. Before long though I will be totally alone – aged parent care lingers frailly, and the big kids scour the real estate pages for their own patch.

Elusive ‘me’ time just might be rushing this way! Going to grab it with both hands…

 

caring for an aged parent

empty nest approaches

bucket list trip of a lifetime

 

How have you dealt with change?

 

 

hit the snooze button

 

Avoiding sleep? or just living the dream…

 

Throw me the command ‘sleep’ and toothpicks prop open my eyes. I do like being awake though, alone and when all the world wants nothing from me. I’ve always been an owl – my body clock is just armed that way. When you’re a parent, and your children move beyond the tiny years, it’s fascinating seeing the natural rhythm of their wake sleep. I’d say only one of my three inherited the night prowling, though during their teens they all were pretenders.

Anyhoo – what do I do that prevents me from shutting eyes while darkness hangs around the house outside and any sound is an intruder?

I worry / think too much. Meditate, shut it down. I read. Close the book, clear the bed. I open web pages. Leave that laptop downstairs girl. I put the tv on sleep, turn the volume down really low, roll over…

In the morning I’ll hit the snooze button at least three times. Wake me when you’ve sorted it all out.

 

 

wash it all away

 

I had bubbles in the bath tonight. Peaks of the Himalayas, clouds beneath my line of sight…with my blurry close up vision I saw tiny sparkles, some kind of disco lighting.

The candle proclaimed itself white frangipani…don’t all frangipani smell the same? And do any flowers really smell candle? Methinks not but the flame, and the slowly flowing h2o soothed my soul.

Wash away that evil work email. Inflamed this Buddhist’s temper. Hello ego put yourself away and let me respond, not react.  Breathe, draft…third draft is almost there.

I’ll reply tomorrow.

The bath fills too quickly. The night is too cold to slow the flow more. Relaxing but no cigar. And yet when I pull the plug, when the water swirls round and round until sucked down the drain, its strangely satisfying. Tonight’s negativity on its way out to sea, via pipe tunnel. By the time it gets to the beach, and I do, I won’t recognise it. The sea is a transformer 🙂

 

 

where ocean meets sky

 

The Daily Post : A room with a view 

 

Ah, how can I describe it in words for you.

There’s a point, just passed half way there, when the road becomes a colonial bush painting and the mood of your day becomes holiday. From there onwards it’s all om.  It’s not that it’s an easy drive by any means, there’s the ‘bends’ all twists and narrow turns, low visibility, hurtling buses and lycra deathwish men. Add the irrational speed limit changes, three lanes to one, pedestrians on akuna matata – watch out for them. Native wildlife meanders at home – the road to paradise is littered with road kill! 

By the time you pull into the driveway, of what looks like any suburban house in the street, your breathing has slowed, shoulders relaxed. My face is a smile for however many days my allotted time is… 

It’s not my house but the minute I walk through the front door I’m home. It’s like I’m surrounded by hug. I’ve felt that from day one – when we went through on an open house inspection, pre-auction. A sharp, sudden intake of breath, a hug, smile…home.  Totally safe here. My happy place.

You have to turn your head to the right and there’s the sea. Nothing else matters. You can sit anywhere in that room, on one of the wicker chairs, either of the armchairs, any chair at the dining table, or let the couch welcome you…you’ll be drawn to the horizon, where ocean meets sky. 

I’ve often wondered how long you’d have to live there to take that view for granted. Go about your daily life without really noticing. I doubt it could happen. When I’m staying a few days, other than the joy of birdwatching, the ocean is the thing…I pretend to read, might turn the tv on now and then for rhubarb, but my eyes, my mind barely leave the water. Hypnotically addictive – it calms, it heals, it clears out all the debris.

 

 

 

the kissing list

 

The tenth list

 

I don’t want to list 10 guys I’ve kissed. The first and second, who coincidentally are also the most recent and the one before that (with a few faces, and a lot of years gap in between), are the ones I remember in dreams, the ones I measure by. 

I should have stayed with either one. I don’t know what happened…well I do, but with the wisdom that passing years uncovered, the reasons for each end are meaningless.

A few years ago I reconnected with both – such fine wines those two men. Surely life would have been happy with either. Thirty years ago, doors slid shut, and I was on the other side each time.  The view from this side has varied – it is what it is now, the memories bring smiles.

I believe in karma, we are where we are meant to be – I hope you’re content with the side of the door you ended up on too 🙂