saturday, best day ever

 

Had a great coffee with the two girls, in Newtown, today. Just across the road from Stacks of Wax. Maxed out on wax after the caffeine. My car is so small that we only just fit three of us, and all the candles, on the way home. Wedding prep list – illumination CHECK.

We’re all at an age that there’s so much joy in time spent together. Smiles and so much laughter today.

First thing was breakfast closer to home. Ice whipped our legs while we queued for a table. Apparently the eggs benedict was ‘best ever’ and worth the wait and the shivering…

Then, the last dress fitting. I don’t know how to describe the love felt in that shop. What a wonderful job that young man has – creating such beautiful taffeta things, making countless women so happy.

We did the tiniest bit more shopping between bridal wear and candles, along with a mad dash through rain and an abundance of giggling.

Tonight, with the heater struggling to take the frost off us, and the cats a pair of curly curls in amongst us…we ate schnitzel and cabbage together, watched the rugby and talked about the holiday to come.

Probably a whole day of ‘best ever’. Saturday.

 

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second post in the trilogy of loss

 

My baby left the building, more than just physically and before he actually moved out.  And in the losing of him perhaps I found something of me. That’s not an acceptable cost, though the personal change is positive – I’m fairly certain.

More reflective, less judgemental, more compassionate, no expectations.  Subdued and solitary.  Soft heart, strong strong protection instinct. I see me in the mirror these days. I don’t even know who used to be there.

Be grateful for what you have, and be kind to others – everyone is going through something.

 

to my darling boy

when you’re ready come on home

let’s repair hearts

 

here’s the first post 

and, what’s this all about?

 

 

the kissing list

 

The tenth list

 

I don’t want to list 10 guys I’ve kissed. The first and second, who coincidentally are also the most recent and the one before that (with a few faces, and a lot of years gap in between), are the ones I remember in dreams, the ones I measure by. 

I should have stayed with either one. I don’t know what happened…well I do, but with the wisdom that passing years uncovered, the reasons for each end are meaningless.

A few years ago I reconnected with both – such fine wines those two men. Surely life would have been happy with either. Thirty years ago, doors slid shut, and I was on the other side each time.  The view from this side has varied – it is what it is now, the memories bring smiles.

I believe in karma, we are where we are meant to be – I hope you’re content with the side of the door you ended up on too 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

enlightenment – a long way off ;-)

 

With so many people in this world I wonder why we meet the ones we do.

I just saw a photo of an early love, his little old man now self – not the strong young buck I was so crazy about. Karma brought him to me while other options flowed by.

Clouds of darkest black, pianoforte thunder, silver threat streaks cross the sky all afternoon – much ado about nothing rain wise. And now, as I lay me down to sleep, who knows why fireworks bursting my ear drums. And a tiny alarm, somewhere out on the street, ongoing. Irritating as a mosquito.

Night display over as quickly as I noticed. Beeping goes on.

I’m tired and no amount of meditating will shut that noise out when I close my eyes. Long day, long week, and lack of sugar makes bodhi a grump 😉 Training to be continued!

 

Dharma based therapy :-)

 

And then there are the counselling sessions with my boss. Dharma based and excellent. Truly helpful – I had a great day after the last one. BUT the next day panic gripped me, chased me, mocked me til I left the office panting all the way home. 

If I could carry him round in my pocket, if I could bring him home with me… 

As I recall the last session, the palm of my right hand is heating up again. He asks me to look him in the eye and not break focus – in fact you can’t. Once I make eye contact we are locked together. He takes my right hand and faces it upwards, makes it the shape of a bowl and says ‘here is this life’s karma’. Puts air in there and closes it over with my other hand. ‘Hold it while I talk’. 

‘You have to let go of the past. You can do this. You’re holding on to that karma and only you can let it go and move past it. It’s like someone is pulling a rope and you’re gripping on. You’re giving yourself rope burn’. 

At that minute my hand WAS burning hot. I gasped ‘I want to let go’, and broke my hands free. 

The right hand was tender the rest of that day. I can feel it again now.

He’s a powerful bodhisattva my boss. And an all round nice guy 🙂

 

 

after midnight, we’re going to let it all hang out

 

We’re gonna find out what it’s all about. (thanks jj cale)

(it’s after midnight in oz, letting it all hang out)

 

I read a couple of blog posts recently that really resonated with me.

About the loss of friends; and the need to give good health our best shot. 

As you may have read at the time, my bestie died just over a year ago. I miss that sunny smile and intoxicating laugh. Her wise advice, calm logic, and absolute silliness and love of life. She lived a short life but packed more into it than I can even dream about! My most fun friend. Her serenity in illness and death is a lesson that must not be wasted. Lose the anxiety, just drop it.

The last few years were strangled by sickness yet she always talked to me about my darkest spots. And, in our last conversation, was so concerned about my youngest – a month shy of her own diagnosis. With all of that going on I also lost my two other closest friends.

How does that happen? How do friendships die when you least expect it? One wandered off quietly, unable to deal with my daughter’s condition and yet, in hindsight, I’d spent a lot of energy supporting her through lesser issues. In tough times you find out who your friends are – old and true adage. True for both daughter, and me.  The other, oldest friend of the three, raged out of my life in an ugly unpleasant way and refuses to allow closure. Stubborn in her silence with others in the past, it shouldn’t have surprised me…but still does.

So, ok positions vacant – I have no idea how to fill them but I could sure use a shoulder, a phone call, or a coffee buddy any time soon.

And then health. I have neglected it for the past couple of years. I know it’s irrational.  I went to chemo appointments with Al, I’ve waited in a sweat outside colonoscopy day surgeries for youngest. I had an unhealthy anger towards the doctor who missed the IBD diagnosis and delayed treatment for a few months. And so I stayed away myself. And who did that hurt? I’m now undergoing a gazillion overdue tests and the results back so far are not too bad considering my absence without leave from the medical system. I’ve been handed a gift and it’s up to me now to lose weight, lose the anxiety, and live.

 

Applications now open for a coffee buddy, walking pal – sharing of tears and laughter along the way pretty much on the cards.