damn you health anxiety – mind beast


It’s back. With a vengeance.

I read, and look around at what others are going through and I KNOW it’s ridiculous and yet I’m anxious as hell. I WANT to live without it. I DON’T want to write about it but I guess I am because I want to hear that someone understands, someone has been through exactly this.

I’m losing weight. (That’s a good thing)
My blood pressure is going down. (That’s a good thing)
I begin to feel faint a bit each day. (That feeling makes me anxious)
I go to the doctor to check bp. (I have serious white coat syndrome AND a phobia of having my bp taken, even hearing or seeing the words ‘blood pressure’ makes me very uncomfortable)
Due to the above issues my bp is up at the doctors so she has to rely on what I’m telling her….and
Rather than decrease my meds straight up she suggests splitting the dose.
I take 2/3 of it this morning, feel mostly fine all day then I’m supposed to take the other 1/3 in the evening, or bedtime. Around 6pm I feel like it’s high and take the tablet.

When I say I felt mostly fine all day I actually felt yucky but I THINK bp was ok. Warm face, tight shoulders…and too much thinking about it all.

The little one had a colonoscopy today – she’s out of remission but the news was better than expected. Initially it was feared that her main med was no longer working but the GI is happy that that’s not the case. Added a bit to her regime…and carry on.

There’s always other things going on with loved ones and so yes there is stress. I just want to feel physically and mentally better. AND hey who knew but writing this out has actually helped. Let’s look at the facts again – I’m losing weight and my bp is going down. POSITIVE. POSITIVE!

The big cat sleeps right up next to me and purrs. Best snuggler ever and that’s great. I’d really love a hug though and a whisper in my ear ‘everything’s fine’… (too much to ask from the big cat ha ha ha)

oh hey, if you’re in Sydney and you’re not too anxious to go out 😉 check this festival



a day like any other


Today was a day like any other. Any other during a heatwave that is. Meaning – air con on and stay where you are!

So, I was trawling social media…and a post popped up in a support group I follow and the day took an intense turn. A young woman asked if the amount of medication she had on hand was enough to end her life. What an amazingly wonderful group of people – all living with a chronic illness, often misunderstood and dismissed – delivered a constant stream of messages until we were sure she was safe. A paramedic from another state tried to get someone to her home. Someone from her actual city offered to go to ER with her. Kindness screamed from my screen and overwhelmed me with joy in the midst of such sadness. We are all connected.

There’s a whole team, unseen, walking with her now. So glad she reached out. She spent the afternoon at the hospital, went home with antidepressants and therapy sessions set up and a collective sigh of relief went round.

Tonight, I saw a tv show I’ve never heard of before – Henry Winkler and William Shatner were in Tokyo. Laugh? I did 🙂

Intense day – strangely good start to the week.

good days, bad days – b.a.d. days

It’s a year today since the diagnosis. I’m not generally one to mark anniversaries out loud. Fast forward and she’s really well right now – we should celebrate that, yet I can’t help but live it over. There is no negative superlative to describe how awful this day was then. I guess, at the end of it, at least we had an answer, and could start the long way forward.


The talk with the doctor after the colonoscopy, is not something you’d wish on anyone. My baby girl has dealt with a physical monster I can’t even hope to imagine but mentally, bringing up three kids alone, I’ve been through a lot. A lot more than I could have ever made up. A lot more than I could ever imagine I could cope with.


We coped.


Tomorrow is another day…somewhere in the land of bagpipes and cable tossing, while the clock hands mock me across the waves, my son will grow older. Another anniversary, memories invading my waking hours, my working day. I hope he’ll feel loved, and that his birthday is full of joy.

diagnosis – anxiety

sunday morning thoughts

this is real life dear reader

that question again

this is real life dear reader


On Thursday my darling daughter had her first Infliximab (remicade) infusion.

All went smoothly and so far, two days post treatment, only the expected ‘minor’ side effects – she’s been warm, tired…

Fingers crossed this kicks her in to remission.

Big love baby girl xx


Infliximab 1 280213




related posts


an activist is born! ulcerative colitis – a response

daily prompt :  oasis



daily prompt : oasis


daily prompt : oasis

Used to be that my head was my sanctuary and I hope that time can come again. I meditate daily and it only took minutes to bliss out, to smile into peace, to quieten my mind. Anytime anywhere I could call on that – silence not necessary, nothing could intrude.

Then my daughter got sick and my anxiety level exploded.  I could not meditate. Could not stop those ever jumbled and ugly thoughts. With no external noise, in the most beautiful and tranquil setting, the smell of salt, an eyeful of waves..my mind was a nightmare of continuous stories.

The beach house is where I would go to escape the city when I could. Only a couple of times each year – takes an hour driving to get there and a minute after arrival for your shoulders to drop. That was before.

In this inner city terrace my daddy’s old rocking chair hugs me. Rarely used for the most part, since the diagnosis it has become my quiet place of choice. Every day I feel my long gone father’s love and energy as I slowly regain my meditation ease.

May all beings be well and happy.


30 days of gratitude

The day I read this post I decided to accept Keith’s challenge; and after the initial horror and anxiety that went with the diagnosis it seemed like such a good idea to intentionally count blessings. So I noted something every day in November that I was grateful for – we don’t do Thanksgiving in Australia so it’s coincidental that I read so many grateful/thankful blogs lately!


1/11 I am grateful for steroids – please strengthen daughter’s bowel.

2/11 Went to work briefly – I am grateful for the day my assistant first walked through the door, her beautiful spirit lights the office.

3/11 My boss called from Thailand to check on us, to encourage us..I am so grateful for having met him.

4/11 My darling son came to visit – the greatest gift of all.

Today 5/11 I am grateful for the beautiful sunshine, the little break outside with big cat – we both enjoyed it. And to Keith for this idea 🙂 it is helping.

6/11 I am grateful that the doctor we met today was so lovely – she’ll be a part of my daughter’s life for a long time to come.

7/11 Today I have so much to be grateful for. The staff at the chemist all so lovely –when someone is really sick the whole world’s kindness wraps around you. My mother’s gardener for quietly and kindly taming the wild escaping tendrils of the front hedge. And my daddy’s old rocking chair – has been my haven at various times of my life (I feel hugged by his love and energy).

8/11 Grateful for those at my work who welcomed my daughter, and for the chaplain who said ‘go home now’; youtube and Dharma talks online – discovering new teachers to listen to.

9/11 Grateful for the amazing food we can get so easily; and the visit from eldest and her partner.

10/11 A lovely walk taking photos with youngest daughter, helpful email from a Buddhist psychologist I know.

11/11 Had a big meltdown in front of daughter and her boyfriend. I’m grateful for the sweetest girl in the world who is dealing with everything so much better than me! And for a new friend across the world who emailed me in the middle of her night with support..you know who you are, yes you unfettered. POSTSCRIPT I am SO grateful for my boss who rang as soon as he returned from an overseas trip to offer me 6 months off instead of accepting my resignation..amazing guy.

12/11 The tiny new ginger cat in the neighbourhood – came to play with daughter today just out the front of our house. Sunshine and lots of it. Photos from sister of her vacation spot. Phone call from an old friend.

hi, who are you?

13/11 Struggling today to be grateful – I guess I can be grateful we live so near a big hospital.

14/11 Petrea King and her cd ‘Healing Meditation’.

15/11 Son unexpectedly calling daughter – wonderful boy.

16/11 Coming home and who’d have ever thought I’d say that!

17/11 The big cat all smoochy.

18/11 Living close enough to the stadium to hear Coldplay loud and clear, free from home.

19/11 I’m grateful for the internet; and my bed.

20/11 A good appointment with a caring, smiling doctor – for daughter.

21/11 Grateful daughter has no side effects to the meds; and seems to be free of food allergies.

22/11 I am grateful for the enforced rest, the time off work.

23/11 A gift of heaps of dvds from eldest daughter; her partner’s advice on back fence/courtyard.

24/11 Apple pie.

25/11 Birds to watch in the small back courtyard.

26/11 For the roster system – time off from caring for mother. And for being able to hit my bed during the day to catch up on the NO sleep last night. Thunder while I snooze and the rain that cools down my world.

27/11 A drive to Bondi and while waiting for a group of lifeguards to cross the road seeing them frantically trying to let a driver know he had his coffee on top of his car. Laughed with a whole community 🙂

28/11 News from one of my Dharma teachers of an initiation coming up next year with a wonderful visiting Tibetan monk.

29/11 Chocolate.

30/11 Youngest’s boyfriend’s family – so gorgeous !

and there you have it – a month of happiness 🙂 , would love to hear what made you happy/grateful today?


sunday morning thoughts


As soon as I wake fear explodes out of my head in all directions.

It’s more than two weeks since the diagnosis and theoretically she’s a little better than before we knew, shouldn’t that be good? She is coping, why am I such a mess?

I start breathing meditation quickly, desperately but watching the breath as an escape is not the way.. and it doesn’t work anyway. Nothing works at the moment – how can I beat this?

The first sound I hear, the only sound this Sunday morning, is the big cat vomiting. Something tangible to get up and deal with.

Outer silence is so unusual in my world.. You know that feeling when you really don’t want to get up but you can’t shake the anxiety wherever you are, once the mind is in gear, the eyes open… ?