in dreams…

 

I was dreaming about Ali as I woke up this morning. Was I thinking about her as I drifted off last night? I can’t remember.

I was replaying one of the times we shared at the beach. It was after the doctor’s appointment when she’d been told the possible progressions of the disease that was swirling inside her, and that there was no way out. We all knew that was coming and she’d taken the confirmation seemingly calm…

When we arrived at the beach house Al went to rest on the big bed, in the room that looks out to sea. She soon joined me in the main room complaining of pain in one leg – worried this was THE next thing, that it was bone cancer already. What words did I use? I can’t recall but I did talk the fear away. She was always stiff upper lip and what sticks in my mind now is that I didn’t hug her! So many times I could use a hug and I can’t help remembering that I didn’t give Ali a hug at a time that I’d definitely have wanted one.

Not long ago I bought one of those v shaped pillows so that I can feel hugged in bed. I woke up this morning curled in the pillow, hugging Al in dreams…

 

(side note – it wasn’t bone cancer, there was no time for the cancer to move to her bones or brain before it did it’s worst)

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I still hear you

A friend of my sister’s died yesterday, from cancer.

And my thoughts go to my own old friend, Al.

We had some great times here, at the beach house. Talking about life, love. Sliding doors, slammed doors. Sorting out the world. And laughing! Oh how I miss her laugh… I wish I had a recording of her laughing – she was the whole room’s positive energy in an instant.

Her children smile in photos, from across the globe, and my hope is they have inherited her sunshine spirit in overdoses. I can’t imagine the last while, listening to her incessant cough that no medicine could stop. The endgame chemo that was just to ease the pain and fear, no tangible result and yet – what would those final earth weeks have been like without it?!

When she died, I promised myself I would live.

The sun is shining, the crazy 5.30am wind has gone, I will sit on the deck and watch the wild sea til this winter sends me in.