damn you health anxiety – mind beast


It’s back. With a vengeance.

I read, and look around at what others are going through and I KNOW it’s ridiculous and yet I’m anxious as hell. I WANT to live without it. I DON’T want to write about it but I guess I am because I want to hear that someone understands, someone has been through exactly this.

I’m losing weight. (That’s a good thing)
My blood pressure is going down. (That’s a good thing)
I begin to feel faint a bit each day. (That feeling makes me anxious)
I go to the doctor to check bp. (I have serious white coat syndrome AND a phobia of having my bp taken, even hearing or seeing the words ‘blood pressure’ makes me very uncomfortable)
Due to the above issues my bp is up at the doctors so she has to rely on what I’m telling her….and
Rather than decrease my meds straight up she suggests splitting the dose.
I take 2/3 of it this morning, feel mostly fine all day then I’m supposed to take the other 1/3 in the evening, or bedtime. Around 6pm I feel like it’s high and take the tablet.

When I say I felt mostly fine all day I actually felt yucky but I THINK bp was ok. Warm face, tight shoulders…and too much thinking about it all.

The little one had a colonoscopy today – she’s out of remission but the news was better than expected. Initially it was feared that her main med was no longer working but the GI is happy that that’s not the case. Added a bit to her regime…and carry on.

There’s always other things going on with loved ones and so yes there is stress. I just want to feel physically and mentally better. AND hey who knew but writing this out has actually helped. Let’s look at the facts again – I’m losing weight and my bp is going down. POSITIVE. POSITIVE!

The big cat sleeps right up next to me and purrs. Best snuggler ever and that’s great. I’d really love a hug though and a whisper in my ear ‘everything’s fine’… (too much to ask from the big cat ha ha ha)

oh hey, if you’re in Sydney and you’re not too anxious to go out 😉 check this festival



gettin’ old

ah my bones are aching, my joints and/or muscles…is it this, is it that, is it ‘just’ old age?

my glasses need bumping, one ear is less interested in hearing you…

and today, when I looked at the referral the doctor gave me for a 24hour blood pressure monitor test all I saw was ’56 year old’

I’m going through some sort of crisis and it’s not middle age my friends! (marbles intact so far)

blog your block – blog the room


Writing Challenge – blog your block 


I took the big cat to the vet today. It’s been awhile. I’m going to need to board her there while I breathe my ancestors’ air later this year. And they’re going to need her to be vaccinated so…

She does this whole I’m dead routine. Lies flat out on the consultation table – couldn’t even slide a coin under her. Head tucked in. The big cat has white coat syndrome. Maybe she’s meditating. Breathing in, breathing out. Her heart rate is chill apparently. 

She’s 14. The only other cat we met is 22! What the? Wow, well done human keeping him alive all that time. His human uses her backpack like a baby sling – cat carrier. He’s living the dream, out for a block walk. 

That surgery is spotless. No smell. No dust. Not a hair out of place. Two cats in our house and it’s hair city!

Even though it wasn’t traumatic – I mean the vet gave her a massage and used a goo goo voice at her – when we got home the big cat flew up to the attic to show me what she thought of the outing. Spent the rest of the day up there. The ‘safe’ room of her first days with us…





false start – no drugs today


It didn’t all go quite according to plan.

We were both up early enough and feeling quite calm – I think it was the best start to an infusion day we’ve had yet! Daughter’s friend, coming with us, rang to say the traffic was shocking and she was panicking about holding us up. She arrived and we were rushing out the door but WAIT – where was my car key?

Grabbed daughter’s spare but now we’re leaving rattled rather than calm. Friend rattled by her drive, me because I don’t lose things, daughter because both of us were.

Did that set the tone for the day?

The hospital is close to home – we know the routine, straight to admissions and hello….you’re not booked in today. What?

After her last appointment with the GI there’d been an email, with the date her next infusion was booked for. Yesterday there was the phone call from the IBD nurse. All confirmed. Good to go.

Or not! No booking, no paperwork. IBD nurse not answering phone. GI doc overseas. Now what? You want us to go home and do this again some other time?

Ha! Please meet PROTECTOR MUM.  (or, in superhero language let’s drop the ‘r’)

Three of us go, at Protecto Mum speed, to the dr’s office in the next building and refuse to leave til someone helps us. We’re told ‘ring the IBD nurse’ – tried that; ‘go to building c and see the IBD nurse’ – umm if she’s not answering her phone I’m not racing around another city block to NOT find her in her office!! ‘’Can you please page her or ring her mobile for me?’’ Three people around the desk look astonished at the suggestion but I see one woman at the back of the room pick up her phone and after a quick chat asks us to go to the foyer of building b and the nurse will meet us there.

YAY. It’s a start. It’s now one hour post appointment time.

Nurse suggests going home and coming back when GI doc is back as she needs to sign off on the admission – it’s apparent that this whole messy mess up is an oversight on IBD nurse’s part. She didn’t in fact book my daughter in…  I’m not leaving quietly – I ask her to find another dr to admit her, speak to the head of the department for us.

Fast forward another hour and she’s managed to secure the head of the department’s signature and we’re on our way up to the infusion centre. Why did it take me to push for that though, for everything logical so far today?

Fast forward again – they’ve found us a bed, the cannula is in, the ward nurse starts taking daughter’s obs and WAIT…daughter has a slight temperature. Infusion is off. They will not load her up with more immune suppressing drugs while she’s apparently fighting a virus or harbouring an infection..

So, after much stressing, racing around buildings, advocating (that’s the polite word for it), and raising of blood pressures..please go home and come back some other time. We’d been there long enough for her to actually have had the infusion only to go home exhausted, annoyed, and drug free.

Stay tuned next week for the second attempt at infusion number 4.


and now sleep zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz